I’m sorry this post is late, but just before Thanksgiving I got gout, and I’ve been healing and sleeping ever since.
We had a good Thankgiving holiday in which I’m very thankful for. However there was no drama just family, friends, food and laughter. (It was nice, but I was waiting for someone to breakout or a couple bickering in the background, but just enjoy each other and food. Its sad that I’m used to that around the holidays.)
I’ve been sleeping a lot just to heal my painful ankles.
https://beckyms1213blog.wordpress.com/2018/10/01/im-trying-to-better-myself-2/
Day 26: When was the last time you were too hard on yourself? What do you think you could have done to treat and comfort yourself instead?
It was last February, I told by this guy I had met before, he was going to be at a diner we were meeting at, so I ordered a quesadilla waiting for him. He never showed and I had to use my family’s laundry money for that week.
I didn’t get another for myself for months as by felt bad. I haven’t been on a date since as I feel if I cant afford to take myself out, then I can’t date.
My family barely makes it was into week, I don’t feel I can comfort myself until My health is better and In have no idea when that is.
Day 27: What is the main barrier to you having positive self-esteem? How can you break free from it?
My current living situation and health issues, energy, weight, and loneliness are my barriers from me seeing thing in a constant positive outlook in life.
I feel my landlords keep putting rule after rule (some I feel are unjustified), I feel smothered. Now they are posting that they can deny it kick a person out for any reason. (My family pays on time, but I’m very moody and opinionated and I’m afraid one I’m going to blow up emotionally and get my family kicked out. I feel like my mood swing make me unlikable and unattractive.)
My other health issues have made me more introverted . . . I’ve been called bad and mean names for my weight and it hurts. Ive been struggling to lose weight because of the hormones I’m on.
I also felt like a failure because I couldn’t appease or make other family members proud. I’ve always been a black sheep, but I currently said screw it, I’m me, I love my writing, and it’s not my job to make others happy. The only person I can make happy is me.
note: I have been seeing doctors and I am working on my health. I hope by next year to get out more.
Day 14: Is there someone in your life who makes you feel good about yourself? If so, who and why?
My family tries, but I have not found any one made me feel good about myself. I feel bad, because I either ignore (one side as i do not feel they can handle my emotional side) or snap at them.
When I get compliments on my writings, I feel good. it’s a few second ego boost and done. Sigh. (I’m very grateful for all positive compliment and encouragement for my writing.it means the world to me. I feel good to know I have people who reads.)
However I think I’m more antisocial than I have ever been.(It feels the few people that I trust, not related to me, are too busy with their own lives or have just taken men out of their lives because I guess I’m just too much.)
I feel like a failure between, my anger (people stupidity), my mood swing, and my health issues keep me from friendships and relationships. (It can also be that I was hurt so bad but someone I trusted, I’m afraid I’ll get hurt again.)
I have noticed that there have been people in my life for a spec or moment . . .they serve their purpose and disappear. I’m grateful for those moments, but I would like a friend or submissive boyfriend for a permanent selection of time.
I’ve also learned people are not here to make me happy. If they do that is just the (super light yummy whipped) icing on the cake. If not, I can eat my plain moist cake on my own.
Day 12: What’s the last thing you did that made you feel proud of yourself? Why did it make you feel this way?
https://beckyms1213blog.wordpress.com/2018/10/01/im-trying-to-better-myself-2/
There are two stories here. . .
In December of 2016, I was called by my ex mom to ask for help because he had a liver transplant and she had to go back to work. (I didn’t make this decision lightly, my ex cheated on me and fell in live with someone else and my family I had to deal with my health issues and my broken heart for over a year. I will say that step mother over reacting to my mental break down, did make the decision easier. She was the one who pushed the meds and when I was having dark thoughts, she was the one who said I should be in a homeless shelter. It kills me that I lost half my family that day. I wish I could let them know I still loved them, and I appreciating them for helping me.) However I knew I was doing the right thing. My parents taught me to put others before myself whenever I can. I wasn’t rushing to help him as a girlfriend, but as friend that he and his mom still trusted. (The girl he cheated on me with just wanted money and gifts.) I helped everyday with meals, meds, doctors visits. He got a stomach infection and withinn 6 weeks he died from cancer. I did it, because I knew it was the right thing to do, even with me having my own health issues and my own therapy issues.
Day 7: Do you think you care too much about what others think?
If so, how can you change that?
https://beckyms1213blog.wordpress.com/2018/10/01/im-trying-to-better-myself-2/
I don’t usually care about what everyone thinks as a person, and as a writer, I realized I’m NOT everyone’s cup of tea. At times, I can get outgoing, loud, and opinionated, and some people can’t handle that. I write mostly about dark themes: just as vampires and urban legends.
I will admit I care about what my family or friends think of me. Sometimes, I had taken what they think to heart and I’m afraid to disappoint them.
However growing up, I’ve learn, it’s your life. You are going to disappoint people, but what about listening to yourself. I’ve learned my heart is impulsive, my mind is too cautious, but my gut is pretty darn accurate. I just need to listen to it more often.
I ask family for advice, at the end of the day, all decisions and steps of life are mine. It’s my life, and I’m taking it back!
I posted a simple version of this on my therapy site 7 cups.
I’ve been to 2 therapists, one kept pushing a job, but I have energy issues.the second one kept saying most are my issues are hormonal.
My main thoughts in no particular order. . .
1. Are the different pieces of my family ok? My mom has her health issues. My dad side of he family still not talking to me. . . But I still think of them. My closest brother has health issues (but sometimes, I think he does better than me.). My one brother just got married and other just graduated with many options ahead for him. I have a very young sister, so young she could easily be my own daughter and yet, I haven’t gotten to bond with her. I rather play with the toddler than the infant. I have a sister-in-law who I wish I so could chat with more, but it all just turns into he-said, he-said drama.
2. When can we have our own space (My family and I?) (My mom, brother and uncle live in a very tight space, and it’s very crowded and not as fun as like the show “My Name is Earl.) I would just like my own desk, working computer, WiFi, and recliner to sleep in.
3. I can’t work, and a few doctors will write notes, but government facilities will not count it. (Stupid president killed that.) I can’t work, I can’t sleep right: I go to bed tired, I wake up tired. No one wants me to use those 5 hour vitamins shots, but it’s the only way I can function for errands.
4. I can’t lose weight due to hormones I’m taking and bad sleep issues. The body needs to be balanced and get right sleep in order to function correctly. I lose 5 pounds, but gain ten in water weight. I’m going to scream if I get more doctor thinking all of my health problems are based on me being overweight. I can’t work so I can’t buy decent groceries. Because of weight I feel I’m ugly and not worthy. . . My doctors or media do not help my self esteem.
5. I can go from sweet and caring to bitter and mean. I’m also losing the propper, politeness filter of saying things especially when I’m flustered. My family know I’m bruntly honest, and I try to watch for other’s feelings, but they call me the bear, because I can snap and growl for no reason. I’m afraid to date because it’s bad to snap for no reason in the middle of a date. I don’t know all of my triggers. I know it’s hormonal, and my doctors don’t seem to care.
6. My energy versus my “luck” versus my writing. I love to write, but my lights and computers keep breaking. . . I feel like fates are against me writing, why God/Goddess, why? Writing helps me release and express myself. I’m borrowing the third desk light from a neighbor. I have two computers: one broke in which wires are exposed, my other computer’s fan is broken and charger over heats. I’m using my mom tablet to write this because my tablet needs to be plugged in at all times and tries to run every program at once. (Even when I have them turned off, it’s like if my Wi-Fi is on, it tries to override my controls.)
7. Why can’t I have a cat? Cats help my anxiety, especially petting them when they purr. The current land lady doesn’t even want us feeding the old stray, friendly mama cat.
8. Where can I advertise my blogs? I feel I do not have enough readers and fans, but I feel Facebook pushes it too much.
https://rebekah1213.wordpress.com/
9. Why am in pain at least 5 days out of week? Headaches, pelvic pains, sinus pains, back pains, hip pain. . . Cramping when it’s not even my lady time. WTH? What is wrong with me? (I will let the doctors do their tests, but they can’t say it’s my weight.) I feel I get passed from doctor to doctor (as if they don’t want me) leaving me with more questions than any solutions. . .
10. I am so easily distracted. I can’t mediate or focus without someone or something pulling away my attention, especially during the day. So I try to write between the hours of 11pm to 3am, sometimes later, but I have to have a day schedule on at least Friday’s and any day I have a doctor appointment.
11. I’m lonely. I am not sure why all my so-called friends left me once my ex died. Were they only his friends, and I was just along for the ride? If it wasnt for me, they wouldn’t have hung out as much. I rather have a bunch of friends that hug me (and sometimes understands me,) than a random boyfriend who will just cheat on me when he realize with my health issues I cannot give him physical intimacy.
12. Can, I please win the Mega millions jackpot? I mean. . .May I please win the Mega millions jackpot? God/Goddess, you know 66% (2/3rds) will go to help others just like we agreed. I need a place to call home again, preferable our old land with a new house on it. You know if I had the choice right now. . . I would choose money over love. (I had love with Tom, and now it’s my time to work on me and help others. PLEASE. Today, I am buying a lottery ticket, may it have the six winning lottery numbers on it, again, please.).
13. I’m tired of the constant depressed and anxious feelings. . . That instant feeling of doom just around the corner. I hate how I am instantly sad like I want to cry but no reason why. . . Or I snap without warning. Who would want a friend who can bite your head off figuratively speaking?
There are more problems but these are the main issues that constantly boil in my head . . . It’s hard to sleep when my mind doesn’t stop. Maybe since I vented, I can sleep better. . . We’ll see.
Now you may go back to regular scheduled program. . . Lol.
Things I want to accomplish in 2018
I want 2018 to be way better than 2017.
I want to be healthy, happy, and hopeful.
Things I want to accomplish in 2018
I want 2018 to be way better than 2017.
I want to be healthy, happy, and hopeful.
Tom and I were together off and on for 8 years. No kids, no marriage. We has three cats at one point. I’ve had depression, anxiety for several years now.
We broke up in september 2015, but I still cared for him. I loved him and wanted him to be happy. We just were not on the same level when we broke up. He was into someone, and he wasn’t supporting me with my fear of doctors. He also didnt know how to handle my constant crying in bed and my lack of motivation due to depressed.
January 2016 I was put on iron, vitamins, and paxil for my health and mental issues. However I was having side effects with my meds.
In August of 2016, he got a successful liver transplant.
He went through a lot of painful physical therapy.
November 2016, I had a mental break down, I kept thinking of ways to take myself out. It was very unlike me. I felt alone and unloved. I started therapy.
In December of 2016, his mom called me at least a dozen times asking me to help take care of him. My therapist thoughts it would be good that I help him just as friends. (My father’s side of the family blocked, and told me off because I hurt my stepmother. Who was busy with her own adoptive baby, she told us just a week before it was born. I had zero time to adjust. I’m not a baby person.)
I spent my birthday taking care of him. He got a stomach infection, and then a blood issue and I spent Christmas and New Year’s I’m the hospital with him. My stepmother was leaving bitter and mean messages while i was in the waiting room while tom was in surgery.
Tom died in January 2017 of a cute and aggressive cancer that had spread due to the surgery.
I had an online guy who helped me through it. However he blocked in June, still not sure why. (I had talked to him 13 months and then all of his accounts blocked from me.)
I’ve tried dating since June, and I’ve had 6 no shows, three one time dates, and dozens of meaningless chats. At the end of October I talked to a guy and we dated, but then after two dates he just wants to be friends. What am I doing wrong?
P.S. since I’ve stopped my paxil, so has my very bitter and dark though. Now I’m just a lonely, empty sadness that is swallowing me whole.
Will friends help? A job? Different meds? I need to see the doctors.
In my head 