I’ve learned that when you make me wait, and I can’t sleep, then I think. That is a very bad idea. Well, it’s great while I’m working on a book, but not good when I am worried about what is going on in real life.
It’s like the reason why a kid will check the bed or closet after watching a scary movie. It’s the same creative and yet over active and mentally dangerous imagination that gets sucked into regular thought and mixed with anxiety making careless worry. I am constantly worrying: over nothing and everything.
I’m not sure how to stop it. Lately, my anxiety is extremely high over having too much time to think. My sleep schedule is completely off, so most of the time I’m too tired to write. (Even now I’m yawning.) Basic thoughts get twisted into unneeded and unwanted traumatic, dramatic nightmares that make me freak out over nothing that is really happening.
For example, when someone stops talking to me for a few days. . .
- I instantly think they are in accident stuck in the hospital or out with their girlfriend that they never told me about.
- When the truth is they were working and doing errands. They gave some space because I was sick. (When I want to sleep give me 6 to 8 hours, not 48 to 72 hours.)
I’ve tried to release my worries, but I just want to find a way to calm my thoughts. Maybe a movie or color.
- Cat Haters
- Extreme pain
- Abusive tempers
- And biggest one liars
I cannot handle liars and the Internet is full of them.
Doms pretending to be a sub so they wrestle another dom for a power struggle. . . It’s like a secret turn on to them.
Catfishing pretending to be someone else. . . Fake pics, fake facts, why are you doing this?
Saying you’re single when you have a girlfriend or wife and kids. (I’M seeking a submissive boyfriend, I want your entire attention. I will not be second rate or just a play toy.)
If you are any of those, please leave me alone.
I try not to play the “hard to get” chatting games.
I’m trying to be more open in the dating pool, but I know what I want and yet the doors are current closed.
So I chat, but then guy gets aggressive even at my polite pushing away.
- “I’m not into your interests.“
- “I need to go to bed”
- “We don’t live close, I’m seeking someone local. “
- “I do not want just a chat, I want a real life relationship.”
If I tell exactly how I see it, I sound like a b*tch.
- “I see us talking online, but then you will lie or be aggressive about something you really want and make me uncomfortable.” (Pusher)
- “You’ll talk to me try to get pic and get off or I say no and you go on the the next easy chatter. You won’t chat again or if you do you ask for more pics.” (Pic weasel because the term I want to use is not nice)
- “We chat for a few days, until either one say that is deal breaker ” (delayed dealbreaker I ask my deal breaking issues on chat 1.)
- Chat, one date, no call (fearful brats)
I want a text, chat to continue after the first date, and then second and a third date etc.
If I don’t think we are going to be at least friends, then why are we even chatting?
I want my submissive boyfriend cuddly, obedient, and semi-clingy.
I want to hear from them several times throughout the day.
I’m not a morning person BUT I love morning messages. . .
Like. . .
“I woke up this morning and thought of you. . .”
“I had a wild dream of you. ”
“Wish you were talking a shower with me ”
OR day time messages. . .
“Just got out of work. . . Thing of you.”
“Wish you were here”
“Hugs and/or kisses”
I sleep better with night messages
“Wish you were here to cuddle with me”
“Wanted to wish you a good night”
“Miss you honey”
It’s obedience to keep constant with the texting, but I want them to mean it. (I’m not into guys who don’t communicate.)
I want a guy who thinks of me and excited to be with me. I know that guys can be interested in more that just naughty things because I’ve had a few who were interested in me for me. Time and distance pulled us apart. Sigh.
I’m starting to think my dating life is like rounds of Mahjongg. You don’t know if when start the game if you are going to win, lose, have one, two or three stars.
Sometimes the pairs are easy, like problems or events with the latest boyfriend. However there are harder pieces to find like the big fights that change how you see everything.
What irks me is when the exact pieces are under each other and it’s like problems that cannot be fixed. Grrrrrr.
Sometime you need to step away, scatter the pieces, if you are that lucky, or walk away for good from the mess. However what counts that you had a good time while you played.
I would love to cuddling on the couch with my guy. We’re watching netflix. He kisses my cheek and neck while whispering sweet things . . .
- “You are the prettiest woman I know. “
- “You are so soft.”
- ” Do you know how much you mean to me?”
- “We can get through anything together”
I want to be with my dream guy who is giddy over me and is snuggling in bed, I’m the small spoon. He has his arms around me and everything is alright.
I suck. . .
At playing it cool.
I bite my tongue when he asks if I am ok as I am afraid I would chase him away with everything in my head. He doesn’t want to hear my true feelings, he barely texts he misses me.
He doesn’t want to hear that I am freaking out because I feel like he rather be somewhere else 9 times out 10 we text. Or that I’m freaking out because I do not feel I am good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, quiet enough, strict/dominant enough. . . He wants to me to demand him what to do, how to do it and simply be happy with that.
He is out bettering himself. I cannot even get up to get a can of soda. I made dinner, but didn’t finish my fantasy football list. I feel completely deflated and not worthy.
I cannot sleep.
My mind will not stop.
All I do is freak out.
I’m loud and cannot play it cool.
What is wrong with me?
I was asked “Where do I see myself in a year?”
This year, from Sept (2016) to Sept (2017), I’ve learned that so much can change in the year.
- By next Sept (2018), I hope to have my thriller novella trilogy being sold in real book stores.
- I also hope to help my mom and brother have their own place with two cats.
- I hope I am with a great guy who gets me, but that is icing on the cake.
My goal is to put my past behind me and build my confidence.
“Where do I see myself in 5 years?”
(When I was in therapy, I had said I wanted to be with a guy, I found out was a catfish.) I realize I need to focus on me.
- I hope to be on book tours and lectures and selling my books.
- I hope my family is taken care of.
- I hope to be with someone, but again it is icing on the cake.
I try to focus a day at a time, not to look at the future. I get anxious thinking about it.
Don’t you just love hearing. . . There is new guy?
I finally met a guy online who I connect with, didn’t cancel the date with some lame excuse, and he was very cute.
However this has made my anxiety go to extremes. I’m afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing.
It has taken me so many empty conversations and bad pictures with guys and girls to get here. It makes it even more valuable.
He is intelligent, creative, and wants a challenge.
My damn anxiety keeps me questioning me . . .
- Am I up to his expectations?
- Am I at his level?
- Is he interested me or just lonely ?
- Does he just want fun?
- Is he for real?
- Am I really good enough for HIM?
- Am I dominant enough for HIM?
I need to just enjoy the time we have together, but these thoughts hang on the back of my head.
But there is this new guy. . .(excited and nervous)