I am focusing on me

I am focusing on me

I am NOT seeking a relationship for a while.

• I cannot find someone patient enough to truly get me, this does NOT just happen over night.
• I am NOT seeking an online wannabe relationship thing. (I have very weak wifi, my landlord is cheap and thinks a basic house modem can deal with more than ten devices. We have at least four running in our place alone. I also have NO privacy. I will NOT give my messengers or phone number just after one message or one day of messaging. I have learned my lesson. That just means I am dealing with impatient person. One word comes to mind catfish.)
• I think I do not have someone else yet is that I do not want to put my health issues on anyone else.
• I feel there is needs to be some kind of physical intimacy in a relationship. (I’m not asexual or grey sexual at the moment by choice.)
• I am not sure if I am truly over my ex as I keep comparing others to him and most do not add up (there is also a fear of getting hurt again. I know I am strong, but I am still working on the heal process. I do not think I can take another blow.)

I need to focus on my health issues.
• Currently my sleep patterns are off ( my cpap machine not really helping completely yet, I’m still very tired, low energy and easily cranky.)
• I have a rash from the location I am in (the cheap paint and some of the bleach products that they use).
• My emotional issues (hyper, sad, angry, bouncy. . . uncontrolled mood swings and hormonal issues), and my female pains (taking sexual intimacy off the table. Which honestly sucks).

I may take time off the personal sites for a while as there is no connection, no real relationship. I think I need to rewrite my profile because I keep getting guys against my deal-breakers. Some just want instant direction because they just do not want to control their own lives anymore and others just want to sexual please someone. . . I am NOT seeking either.

I think the best for me is to find friends who I truly connect with.
I rather have fun with friends some dinners, karaoke parties, card or board games, cuddles with movies, and if there is that submissive-yet-more-than-friends connections I get with someone, awesome. If not, I am still happy with who I am.

If you want to be friends, awesome. If not then I hope you find the dominant or the kinky girlfriend you need. (Note: if you are into a relationship, please let your partner know that you have friends. I will NOT be a secret.)

So I’m focusing on myself: my health and what makes me happy!

It is so simple

Find the things that bring enjoyment and happiness. . .

• Seek those happy activities.
• Try to do one thing each day that makes you happy, even if it’s just 5 minutes with a cup of coffee
• I’ve listed my happiness activities, things and events
• Focus on things that bring you joy
• Focus on getting rid of things that don’t make you happy

Yes, it really is that simple.

Why do I make it so complicated?

My Birthday

I felt good all week but now. . .

It feels just another day.

I felt like my mind hyped it all for nothing.

I don’t feel any older or wiser.

Many of my online friends wished me a happy birthday early.

I’m getting a cake tomorrow.

My hair is funky and colorful.

I’ve done a lot within the year, but I still feel blah.

I hope Christmas goes better.

Days 29 to 31

I’m trying to better myself

Day 29: What do you think of your teeth and your smile? Do you like them and if so, why? If not, how can you view them more positively?

I used to love my teeth. When I was young I had them capped due to issues I had when I slept, but the caps started to chip a few years back. I need to get them done again, but my dentist is pushing every procedure but it.Sigh.

I used to sing and I used to have a big toothy smile, but now not so much.

My face is the first thing people usually noticed about me and yes i do have teeth problems, but majority are in the back of my mouth. I’m very apprehensive about the whole thing. I hate pain, and many times my teeth hurt

Day 30 Validation is important to our self-esteem. Do others encourage you? If not, what are some ways that you can ask them to so your self-esteem.

My family does help and those who read my writing and blog. . That comment really help my self esteem. It feels like a confirmation that I’m meant to be writing. (Esspecially when I have those who thinks it’s unstable and I’m wasting time writing too much.)

I give myself goals and rewards for myself.

Day 31. Rate your self-esteem on a scale of 1-10?

It was -5 on my lowest day, but currently I’m at 7.

Has your self-esteem improved?

I have learned about myself. I’ve also learned that I am valuable. My sleep issues make my depression and anxiety feel bigger than they are.

Days 26 & 27

https://beckyms1213blog.wordpress.com/2018/10/01/im-trying-to-better-myself-2/

Day 26: When was the last time you were too hard on yourself? What do you think you could have done to treat and comfort yourself instead?

It was last February, I told by this guy I had met before, he was going to be at a diner we were meeting at, so I ordered a quesadilla waiting for him. He never showed and I had to use my family’s laundry money for that week.

I didn’t get another for myself for months as by felt bad. I haven’t been on a date since as I feel if I cant afford to take myself out, then I can’t date.

My family barely makes it was into week, I don’t feel I can comfort myself until My health is better and In have no idea when that is.

Day 27: What is the main barrier to you having positive self-esteem? How can you break free from it?

My current living situation and health issues, energy, weight, and loneliness are my barriers from me seeing thing in a constant positive outlook in life.

I feel my landlords keep putting rule after rule (some I feel are unjustified), I feel smothered. Now they are posting that they can deny it kick a person out for any reason. (My family pays on time, but I’m very moody and opinionated and I’m afraid one I’m going to blow up emotionally and get my family kicked out. I feel like my mood swing make me unlikable and unattractive.)

My other health issues have made me more introverted . . . I’ve been called bad and mean names for my weight and it hurts. Ive been struggling to lose weight because of the hormones I’m on.

I also felt like a failure because I couldn’t appease or make other family members proud. I’ve always been a black sheep, but I currently said screw it, I’m me, I love my writing, and it’s not my job to make others happy. The only person I can make happy is me.

note: I have been seeing doctors and I am working on my health. I hope by next year to get out more.

My own defintions

I’m on http://www.7cups.com and they ask me to define the following words. . .

Depression, sadness, pain, mental illness, and mental health:

depression is stuck in a state of sadness or negativity, sometimes it paralyzing

sadness lack or losing happiness like a balloon losing air

pain uncomfort or a moment which the mind cannot understand the body

mental illness the accumulation of knowledge to know within the mind something is wrong (Note: I never said normal, that is just a setting on appliances)

mental health is knowledge and ways to improve and make the mental state of mind calmer, possibly better

In addition

Anxiety when repeating thought haunt me so much, they twist themselves into bigger worries than they really are

Days 19 to 22

I’m trying to better myself

I’m sorry, but due time issues and sleep problems I’ve put the last four days together.

Day 19: Do you have an activity that makes you feel alive and good within yourself?

1. Writing

2. Playing with Cats

3. Cooking

4 playing games: SIM or jeopardy

5. Music

Day 20: Has your self-esteem improved with doing this challenge? If so, how?

I learned I’m stronger than I thought. I can find the good in me if I just tried a bit more.

I would answer more, but I’ve been fighting sleep issues

Day 21: Name at least 5 things that you are good at.

1. Writing

2. Cooking

3. Shopping

4. Singing

5. Managing. . . Schedules, planning , to-do lists

Day 22: Which of your skills or abilities do you pride yourself on?

I am proud of this skills

My writing

My baking

My cat care

My cooking

My scheduling and list making skills

Day 18: Talking

Day 18: Do you like the way you talk? If so, why? If not, how can you view it more positively?

https://beckyms1213blog.wordpress.com/2018/10/01/im-trying-to-better-myself-2/

If you know me, I can swear and I’m not pc. (I Wil not cuss around those I know don’t like it or if I have to sound professional.) However I am so honest that many people stop asking questions. . .if you don’t want to hear the truth, don’t ask me.

I can’t be blunt, but whether people want to hear, sometimes they need to hear.

I try to be positive when I think and talk, I just find negative people trying to burst my bubble

Day 14: People in your life

Day 14: Is there someone in your life who makes you feel good about yourself? If so, who and why?

I’m trying to better myself

My family tries, but I have not found any one made me feel good about myself. I feel bad, because I either ignore (one side as i do not feel they can handle my emotional side) or snap at them.

When I get compliments on my writings, I feel good. it’s a few second ego boost and done. Sigh. (I’m very grateful for all positive compliment and encouragement for my writing.it means the world to me. I feel good to know I have people who reads.)

However I think I’m more antisocial than I have ever been.(It feels the few people that I trust, not related to me, are too busy with their own lives or have just taken men out of their lives because I guess I’m just too much.)

I feel like a failure between, my anger (people stupidity), my mood swing, and my health issues keep me from friendships and relationships. (It can also be that I was hurt so bad but someone I trusted, I’m afraid I’ll get hurt again.)

I have noticed that there have been people in my life for a spec or moment . . .they serve their purpose and disappear. I’m grateful for those moments, but I would like a friend or submissive boyfriend for a permanent selection of time.

I’ve also learned people are not here to make me happy. If they do that is just the (super light yummy whipped) icing on the cake. If not, I can eat my plain moist cake on my own.

Day 13: Confidence

Day 13: Share about the last time you felt confident in yourself. Why did you feel that confident?

I’m trying to better myself

I’m normally I’m confident in my blogs, stories and novels. I know I’m writer.

However when it comes to people, I can be very insecure. The last time I was truly confident, I was with my ex, Tom. He accepted me for who I am,(was) and he trusted me enough to control our money, errands, most dates, menu, shopping, chores, and such. (I love to plan.) I felt like I could do anything with him. I got sick, things got complicated, and he cheated on me. He did not shatter my heart, but he busted my confidence. I have not found anyone else in which I felt secure and confident.

I hope I find a new person in my life that helps me with my confidence. (I truly hope I can let someone in to let them help me with my confidence.)