April is going to busy

I know at four doctors I need to schedule in. . . Maybe four if I need a specialist for my hands. ( They keep swelling, and my joints hurt. It hurts sometimes to hold a pen or fork.)

I’m doing camp Nano but I’m only giving myself a word count of 30,000 for my main goal. It’s only 1k per day. I thinkmi can type that. I did 35,000 both last August and November. I how to write a book of short stories. I talk more about it in my writers blog. . . Rebekah Quinne

I also hope to walk at least three times a week. I want to get in better shape and get more energy. I’m hoping to sleep better from it and get more focus.

The thing is I’m doing this for me. I’ve learned that I need to focus on myself and heal myself before I can help others.


It’s been awhile

Things I’ve been up to. . .

  • I went out three times this week, which was nice. However I’m exhausted and it’s the weekend, grrr.
  • I worked on a release book. . . For my depression, anxiety, ptsd and spiritual so I can let go things and move on. . . I feel lighter and I’ve been sleeping better.
  • I’ve made several friends which is nice.
  • I’ve been trying to organize my writing.
  • I’m also trying to figure out why computer cord keeps buzzing: I think it’s a mixture of a bad cord and broke fan either way I need to take it to a computer guy.
  • My hands have swollen from writing so much. I think it’s carpal tunnel syndrome. . . Because water pills don’t always help and there is pain too. Bummer, huh?
  • I have finished draft one of my thriller novella trilogy “Driving Lies.” I know I keep bragging, but it’s a project that about 150,000 words give or take divided into three parts that started as a corny thriller script I wrote as a teenager because I needed more action in my life.
  • I’ve cooked a lot with the slow cooker.

I’ve been busy. I always try to stay busy.

My current warnings

  1. I can’t cry. I feel like a robot: emotional stuck.
  2. I want to be happy too, but again I’m emotionally stuck.
  3. Im hormonal. It’s due to endometriosis. My body does make enough of one hormone, so others are unbalanced.
  4. I can freak out at anytime: I can go from nice to total bitch. It’s because my hormones are not balanced.
  5. I can be in pain, usually in my pelvic area also due to endometriosis. This can make sex hurt for me.
  6. I can startle easily. However I love a horror movie with unpredictable twists. They are hard to find in this days blah and remakes.
  7. I can easily get stuck in a good book, computer/tablet, or notebook/writing.
  8. I hate to clean, but I hate bugs and spiders more
  9. I only like to clean alone with music blasting.
  10. I am not an outdoor girl.
  11. I am not a girly-girl. I do not owe a dress or make up. I will not wear high heels, in fact, I own one pair of shoes, and two slippers.
  12. I dislike/hate authority. Advise/guide/suggest to me, but do not tell me what to do with attitude or I will turn into a bitch.
  13. I’m not into drug, drinking, smoking, and not into those who are drunk or smoke.
  14. I can talk myself to organize.
  15. I am not a baby/kid person.
  16. I prefer cats over dogs and kids.
  17. I am not vanilla (sexually), and I cannot got back. (I have a seprate blog for that.)
  18. I work better between 11pm and 6am for now. It may change as my sleep cycle never stays the same for long.
  19. I prefer my weather semi sunny between 55 and 75 degrees.
  20. I prefer Pepsi over Coke. I know the difference. I also know the difference between regular and diet.


My love of music is a blessing and a curse. . . It depends on the song and my mood.

I can either take on the world or cry hiding in a hole. . . Depending on how the song pushed my emotions. It could make me laugh or haunt me with a bitter memory of my past.

Music is always something I go to no matter emotion I feel. It is expressive for me and I can make a play list for anytime in my life. Sometime a song just says the words, that I cannot get out of my head.

I was originally a music major in college. I found out that I had inner ear problem on my right ear and it made it hard to play one thing and sing another. I changed my major because of my ear, so music is a bittersweet thing for me.


Between PTSD and depression, I have not been happy.

I’ve tried sims, cooking and the rest of my content list. . .

1. Listening to music

2. Comfortably writing for hours

3. Soda pop

4. Shopping

5. Walking

6. Getting out or dinning out

7. Talking to friends

8. Cats

9. Watching funny TV

10. Going to the movies

I just can’t get or find happiness. Why?

2018 Goals

Things I want to accomplish in 2018

  1. I want tto write more my writing blog 
  2. I need to figure out and fix my medical issues
  3. I want to exercise more
  4. I want a boyfriend who gets me
  5. I want to help my mom and brother get a better place

I want 2018 to be way better than 2017. 

I want to be healthy, happy, and hopeful. 

2018 Goals

Things I want to accomplish in 2018

  1. I want tto write more my writing blog 
  2. I need to figure out and fix my medical issues
  3. I want to exercise more
  4. I want a boyfriend who gets me
  5. I want to help my mom and brother get a better place

I want 2018 to be way better than 2017. 

I want to be healthy, happy, and hopeful. 


It was weird my one of my distractions . . . actually relaxed me enough to put me to sleep last night. 

With in the 24 hour period, I have gone up 76 levels in candy crush soda saga (its different and more challenging than just the original candy crush.) 

I would have stopped but I kept getting free rewards and extra . . . I fell asleep with 8 free hours of the chocolate bombs, 7 hours of the sour candies that change colors, 9 hours of the fishes. I also had up 6 hours of unlimited play. Grrrrr. 

I need to use my energy to write blogs . . . for the year in review and new year resolutions. 

However last night (and the last three or four weeks) my stomach has been giving me problems. Once my medical gets fixed, I plan to see several doctors. The game and playing music was my only distraction from my stomach issues. So I guess it did it job. 


I’ve been thinking about what security is for me. Many say money is security, but 90% of jobs are not secure any more, so how can money be security. . . unless you own more than one business, have good stocks, or is a CEO of a major corporation. Most of these bosses will cut a guy working there ten year to hire two guys to do the same job for just a few dollars less. So money is not security. 

Money is nice, but I really would not know what to do with lots of money. . . I know if I won the lottery, I was told in a dream. . .. That 2/3rds of the money must go to someone or thing else. So I would give to charities and places and people that have helped me in my past. It would also go to people who need that extra boost.  I like helping people. 

However too much money would worry me as I afraid someone would break in and hurt the ones I care about or myself just to get some money that they will blow on alcohol and drugs to hide from their conscience that they did wrong. When they run out of their crutches, they will hurt someone else for more money. Too much money, even with a security system and trained pets, is not security for me

I know extra money is nice to travel, dine out, shop, go to parties or enjoy more things. Then it also scares me that people show up when you have money that would have never been there if you were broke. How do you know your friendship or relationship are build on trust or the false security and wrong love of money?

Security to me is when I have my hand in my special guy and I feel I can take on the world. I feel safe and truly loved ( not the love over what you have, but who you are). This has happened only once ( Tom). I hope to have the feeling again. I just hope the man I feel safe and secure with also loves and truly, loyally adores me.