Sigh. 

I am a dope. 

This summer. . .

  •  I’ve had ten cancelled dates. 
  • Been blown off  by dozens of cute guys (probably due to my weight)
  • Been lied to by a catfish
  • And been on dozens of dead end chats
  • Been blocked three times
  • Been ignored for politics 
  • Now I can say I’ve almost been scammed three times (I do not trust anyone who says itune cards.)

Aren’t there any cute, real, decent loyal guys left?

The more I talk to people, the more I like cats. 

I need to stop thinking. . .

I need to stop thinking because the mixture of loneliness, desperation, and self doubt. . . I start to overthink and go against my first impression, and gut feeling. 

My gut is 95% correct. It always been on the money with what I truly need. 

However with my hormonal imbalance my heart and my head keeps twisting my thoughts. Then you add all this time I have in the mixture and my desperate thoughts are trying to sneak against my own boundaries. I put those there for a reason . . . Somethings make me uncomfortable.

My gut is telling me hold my ground.

But. . .

  • My hormones want to have fun. 
  • My broken heart wants comfort. 
  • My soul is hallow. 
  • My head is lonely. 

I just want a friend who gets me. 

I’m Attracted To. . .

Im attracted to.  . .

  • Positivity
  • Hope
  • Intelligence 
  • Creativity
  • Man who can clean, but does not complain about
  • A man to cook with
  • Cuddlers
  • Like PDA
  • A cat lover
  • Loves coffee
  • Artist
  • Sports lover
  • Writers
  • Readers
  • Understanding and patient of my health issues
  • Supportive
  • Semi romantic 
  • Likes shopping
  • Anyone who can truly make me laugh
  • Someone who tries to get me (I’m complicated, but at least they try.)
  • Ambition 
  • Fit
  • Spiritual (At least in a street kindness meaning doing good for others.)

Things That Make Me Happy

Things that make me happy

  1. Getting an a long e-mail
  2. Baking
  3. Cooking
  4. Good Sex with lots of foreplay
  5. Hours of unbothered writing
  6. Writing 10,000 words in a day
  7. Finishing (reading) a good book
  8. A story with a good twist
  9. Not being able to predict something
  10. Soda-pop
  11. Going out
  12. Helping others
  13. Making others happy
  14. Cats
  15. Cuddling with someone nice during a movie
  16. Kissing and making out
  17. Getting actual mail: letters and package
  18. Bubble bath
  19. Having energy
  20. A nice walk
  21. Lots of pillows and comfy bed
  22. Good night sleep
  23. Talking all night
  24. Going to the zoo
  25. Sailing
  26. Swimming
  27. Good Morning Greeting
  28. Spooning: I like the inner spoon
  29. Flirting
  30. A good tone male hairless chest
  31. A fit six pack ab
  32. Bright blue or blue-green eyes
  33. A nice smile
  34. Hair on the a guy’s head that I can run my hand through
  35. A night of card or board games with friends

The Small Things

 

1. A good cup of coffee
2. Candy
3. A Sweet text
4. Fried chicken
5. Soda-pop (pepsi)
6. New notebook
7. New colored pens
8. Clean clothes with tide
9. Clean sheets
10. First kiss
11. A good movie
12. A good book
13. Agood joke
14. Laughing
15. Not having to put groceries back at the register
16. Lilacs
17. Carnations
18. Writing a story
19. Finishing a writing project
20. Massage
21. Writing several blogs
22. A bubble bath
23. Going out
24. Ice cream
25. Cheesecake
26. Dark Forest Cake
27. Time to write
28. Music
29. Secretly dancing
30. Good night sleep
31. Energy
32. A good song
33. Friends
34. Family
35. Body Spray
36. a long drive
37. Coloring
38. drawing
39. Painting
40. Pie

What I want for 2017

Personal Goals for 2017

  1. I want to walk more. (At least three walks a week or several rounds on the stairs.)
  2. I want to lose weight. (80 pounds. . . ultimate goal.)
  3. I want to be more active.
  4. I want to stretch more. (No charlie horses.)
  5. I want to learn some basic yoga and be more physically flexible.
  6. I want my tight clothes to be looser.
  7. I want to lower my diabetes numbers.
  8. I want to try more recipes.
  9. I want to control my binge eating. I want to eat smaller sizes.
  10. I want to eat better.
  11. I want to get into the habit of three meals a day.
  12. I want to paint more.
  13. I want to read more.
  14. I want to save a little money.
  15. I want to meet my “wolfie.” He knows who he is.
  16. I want to deal, maybe even cure my anxiety and depression.
  17. I want to mediate more and be able to always access my happy place.
  18. I want to finish some of the projects I have started.
  19. I want to start some new projects.
  20. I want to help my ex get stronger and heal.

Things that Happened in 2016

2016 was a very challenging year. I felt really stuck and trapped this year, so I really didn’t feel I accomplished that much. I mean I didn’t even finish a book: writing or reading. However I have learned a lot about myself.

My writing accomplishments link here. . . https://rebekahquinne.wordpress.com/2016/12/30/what-happened-in-2016/

Things I accomplished in 2016

  1. I am working more on a day schedule. Eh, I know, but maybe I can figure out where to get more writing and editing in.
  2. I have gone to the doctor myself.
  3. I have gone to therapy by myself.
  4. I feel I have more energy.

Things I have learned in 2016

  1. I loved flavored coffee. (Mocha, coconut, caramel vanilla, and Chocolate raspberry are my favorite.)
  2. My cat will look all over the house when I am gone.
  3. I miss my cat very much.
  4. Therapy really works as long as you are open and honest with the therapist and yourself.
  5. I like cats sometimes better than people.
  6. I would be a good vet assistant or care-giver.
  7. I have less anxiety when I am busy.
  8. I live and deal better when I am on my own.
  9. I can do chores better when I am by myself (at my own time and doing it my own way.)
  10. I’m sorry, but I am not a baby or kid person. (I rather have a fur-baby that purrs.)
  11. I have learned I hate to be controlled or told what to do. I do NOT deal with authority well.
  12. Distance is just a number when love is involved. (still makes me sad my “wolfie” is not here.)
  13. I secretly like to fold towels and peel potatoes.
  14. I do not like being treated like a 15 year old who needs a babysitter.
  15. Not driving really limits me. (But I am terrified of getting in an accident again.)

New Facebook Survey

Do you:
Have a crush: Yes
Have a bestfriend: A few really good friends
Have a boyfriend/girlfriend: Yes
What’s your boyfriend/girlfriend name: River
Want a boyfriend/girlfriend: I have one
Want a new bestfriend: I like to have some more friends

Do you prefer:
Cats or dogs: Cats
Purple or blue: Purple
Choc or vanilla: Chocolate
Books or movies: Both
Being asleep or awake: I wish I didn’t have to sleep

Have you:
Snuck out: No
Been Suspended: no
Felt lonely: yes
Cried your self to sleep: yes
Gone to sleep with your clothes on: yes
Littered: I try not to

Whats your:
Fav TV shows: Big Bang or Chopped
Fav book: Currently Anne Rice Vampire Chronicles
Fav subjects: Music, and English
Fav food: Currently sushi, pizza, soups, and lasagna

Would you:
Cheat: No. I am extremely loyal to a fault
Kill an animal: I prefer to go to the store for my meat. I don’t think I could kill an animal other than a spider.
Sneak out: a moment to myself.
Break into a shop: No

Are you:
Scared to lose someone: yes
Scared of the clowns: do not like them (thank you Stephen King)
Scared of dying: Not much anymore
Scared of heights: yes
Scared of Spiders: I do not like them

Do you think:
People talk about you behind your back: Yes
Someone loves you (not including family): Yes
Someone hates you: I have my enemies
Someone secretly wants to date you: Maybe

Confession 22: Reality Vs Fantasy

Why does it seem lately that everything seems better in my head?

Examples:

#1
In my head:
I wanted to go out to all you can eat wing place for my birthday and then have presents and dark forest cake afterward with part of my family and a few friends. There were would be laughs and good time with everyone.

Reality: I had several cats naps, because my sleep schedule is way off. Then for dinner a store bought pizza that wasn’t bad, but not what I wanted. I wanted a dark forest cake (chocolate and cherries), but what I got was a pumpkin pie that was just okay.

#2
In my head:
I am cuddling and getting massages with my boyfriend and playing with my cat.

Reality: I’m helping my ex without my cat.

#3
In my head:
I am touring promoting my books and give huge universe lectures on how to write a novel.

Reality: I can’t even write in my diary.  Damn writer’s block.

 

Reality Vs Fantasy: Sometimes reality sucks.
Did I do something wrong?

Confession 20

10 Food Confessions

  1. You will get grumpy me, if you tell me I cannot eat something. Growing up, I got the “I’m saving that.” Or “It’s for your father.” Now that I am adult I when people tell I can’t enjoy myself with food, it makes me mad.
  2. I am borderline diabetic: I know I need to watch my sugar and carbs.
  3. I get very sleepy when I overeat. I love and hate holidays for that reason.
  4. I love candy! I usually always have candy. (I did in school, and most people know it.)
  5. I hate to count calories; I rather count words. I have written over 1,000 words today. (I also seem to love food with higher calories. Big Mac have close to 1000 calories.)
  6. My three ultimate comfort foods: mashed potatoes and beef gravy, lasagna, and extra cheesy bacon mac n cheese. (All have carbs. I also like a salad with everything.)
  7. I have cut back on my soda to once a day. (I’ve been pretty good.)
  8. I love when people get excited over my food.
  9. Three foods I hate: Canned peas, canned spinach, and liver
  10. If I cannot get thin, then I am making the rest of the world fat with my food.