I can rant and go on and on, but my brain still will not stop. This has caused me insomnia and . ..
I’ve tried. . . .
- breathing exercises, in 1-2-3 and out 1-2-3
- Turning off the TV
- Cutting down on my caffeine after 4
I’m still up 5 out 7 nights a week with my everlasting thoughts.
- Health issues, when will I get fixed
- Why do my hormones keep making me a b*tch?
- Food issues is there ever enough
- Why do I feel so useless? I do help with errands, and cooking
- Writing scheduling
- Errand scheduling
- Sleep issues and why I cannot sleep when I supposed to.
- Guys vs what I want
- Hope’s and dreams vs depression
This what my head is like . . .
I’ve learned that when you make me wait, and I can’t sleep, then I think. That is a very bad idea. Well, it’s great while I’m working on a book, but not good when I am worried about what is going on in real life.
It’s like the reason why a kid will check the bed or closet after watching a scary movie. It’s the same creative and yet over active and mentally dangerous imagination that gets sucked into regular thought and mixed with anxiety making careless worry. I am constantly worrying: over nothing and everything.
I’m not sure how to stop it. Lately, my anxiety is extremely high over having too much time to think. My sleep schedule is completely off, so most of the time I’m too tired to write. (Even now I’m yawning.) Basic thoughts get twisted into unneeded and unwanted traumatic, dramatic nightmares that make me freak out over nothing that is really happening.
For example, when someone stops talking to me for a few days. . .
- I instantly think they are in accident stuck in the hospital or out with their girlfriend that they never told me about.
- When the truth is they were working and doing errands. They gave some space because I was sick. (When I want to sleep give me 6 to 8 hours, not 48 to 72 hours.)
I’ve tried to release my worries, but I just want to find a way to calm my thoughts. Maybe a movie or color.
I try not to play the “hard to get” chatting games.
I’m trying to be more open in the dating pool, but I know what I want and yet the doors are current closed.
So I chat, but then guy gets aggressive even at my polite pushing away.
- “I’m not into your interests.“
- “I need to go to bed”
- “We don’t live close, I’m seeking someone local. “
- “I do not want just a chat, I want a real life relationship.”
If I tell exactly how I see it, I sound like a b*tch.
- “I see us talking online, but then you will lie or be aggressive about something you really want and make me uncomfortable.” (Pusher)
- “You’ll talk to me try to get pic and get off or I say no and you go on the the next easy chatter. You won’t chat again or if you do you ask for more pics.” (Pic weasel because the term I want to use is not nice)
- “We chat for a few days, until either one say that is deal breaker ” (delayed dealbreaker I ask my deal breaking issues on chat 1.)
- Chat, one date, no call (fearful brats)
I want a text, chat to continue after the first date, and then second and a third date etc.
If I don’t think we are going to be at least friends, then why are we even chatting?
I’m exhausted. Sleep only happens in single cycles of 3 hours maybe more, here and there.
I’ve had nightmares, panic attacks and depression fighting me all weekend.
Nightmares of being abandoned and lost and confused. (My chest is getting tight just thinking of it.)
Past coming back to literally haunt me, but migraines beating me instead. Past on hold.
Chest heavy, breathing hard, panic catching in my throat.
Stomach turns, food comes from helping hands, but doesn’t help.
That is my weekend. I did manage to get to write pieces here and there. There is a light.
I am unbalanced. (Okay, you can stop laughing now.)
- But the thing is that I do walk with my heart on my sleeve,
- and I want to help everyone,
- and I feel guilty whenever I ask for something
However learned a few things (Not even in school. . . Lol.)
I have learned.
- If I look at things logically, I’m responsible, but I have no fun.
- If I just wig it, I have even more anxiety than if I plan it.
- Letting go is way harder to do, and you may have to do over and over until you get it.
- Music uplifts my mood.
- Small things count.
- It is ok to ask for things.
- Do not judge someone, you have never been in there head or in their shoes.
- I’m not really alone.
I need to stop over analyzing and just enjoy the moment.
Stop already with the remakes of movies and the old shows trying to come back.
Why are we doing remakes of these movies?
- The Shinning
Do those shows have to come BACK?
- King of Queens (under a different name)
- Will and Grace
Give me an original idea.
We need movies like
- Forest Gump
- Sixth sense
I like the shows. . .
- the Cabin
- the Middle
- Big Bang Theory
- 2 Broke Girls
- Angie Tribeca.
They all have their own uniqueness to them.
I feel like Hollywood is going to the recycle bin.
We didn’t need three CSI or a bunch of Law and Orders.
I suck. . .
At playing it cool.
I bite my tongue when he asks if I am ok as I am afraid I would chase him away with everything in my head. He doesn’t want to hear my true feelings, he barely texts he misses me.
He doesn’t want to hear that I am freaking out because I feel like he rather be somewhere else 9 times out 10 we text. Or that I’m freaking out because I do not feel I am good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, quiet enough, strict/dominant enough. . . He wants to me to demand him what to do, how to do it and simply be happy with that.
He is out bettering himself. I cannot even get up to get a can of soda. I made dinner, but didn’t finish my fantasy football list. I feel completely deflated and not worthy.
I cannot sleep.
My mind will not stop.
All I do is freak out.
I’m loud and cannot play it cool.
What is wrong with me?
1. Enjoy today
2. Nothing that you worry about will matter a year or five years from now
3. If they don’t appreciate you for you are, it’s not worth it.
4. Keep writing, you are really good at it. You will be successful.
5. I love when you are happy.
6. You are beautiful or sexy.
7. Smile more
8. Sing, dance, color, it’s fun.
9. Enjoy what life has to give you.
10. It will be okay.
Yesterday was a challenge to get out of bed. I hate my life like that. I don’t need bitter, harsh people having me to jump into reality. . . They will piss me off and make me hug my pillows harder.
However I simply need someone excited about life and telling me “let’s take one step at a time.” I want them to tell me “getting out of bed is a baby step, help me with dinner, and then we’ll go shopping or watch a movie.”
I have goals and dreams. I have things I want to accomplish in my life. I feel I really need support getting there. . .
My health issues are not always visible. Last night out of nowhere, after several really good days, I was completely down and out. I felt like nothing had meaning. My writing had no value and I felt depressed and empty. I hate that deflated feeling. . . Like deflated balloon in a dried up mud puddle.
Normally, I know my triggers, but I’m getting depressed without trigger. It’s starting to scare me.
I just want to get better. A site that helps me http://www.7cups.com/21800318
My original plans got cancelled today so this is my list of daily goals.
- Work on paper work
- Find letter with address
- Write catfish story
- Write neighbor story
- Work on blogs
- Work on dinner.