Waiting. Eh. 

I’m stupid. 

I’m wasting time. 

I’m wasting life.

I’m waiting

I’m waiting on someone who has his own life. 

I’m  wasting my own time waiting on someone that if I am lucky may give me 20 minutes of his time. I am way worth more than 20 minutes. 

I need to stop waiting on someone who is too busy for me. 

I need to work on my own life.

I need to get myself and my computer fixed.

I need to focus on my writing. 

I need to love myself. 

I am so much better than this. 

I feel alone

Just the other day, I had a guy proposed to me and several men wanting some harsh version of me that I don’t want to be. 

All day I was thinking about one guy, because I feel we are connected in an intellectual way. I also loved his positivity. (He also had gotten my mind off of this other guy who I had missed for two months now. )

HOWEVER. I am worried, there is an issue holding us back. He has a kid. I’m not a kid person, they can make my anxiety go off the charts. (My ex–stepmother really screwed it for me. I’m burnt out on kids because of her.)

I’m so flustered. I really like this guy, but does he have too much baggage? I’m so confused. I confronted him, and I feel like it’s just going to work. I know how important kids are, and I would never tell someone to change their life for me. 

I just feel a few days ago all these guys were into me and now I’m all alone. Sigh.

Weekend plans

I plan to play my brother’s ff rpg. (It’s a dice and fantasy game). 

I also plan to cook, work on some blogs and short stories  (Not sure what genre yet). 

I’m also watching catfish, I’m obsessed with that show. I do a lot of chatting and online flirting, so I’m always cautious. 
I had a stressful day yesterday I had issues with insurance. I hope next week to get it worked out. Meanwhile I have to hold off on all my doctors and meds. I have some to hold me off, but it really freaked me out. 

I’ve had a few people (besides family) who really helped me out yesterday and I’m very thankful for that. I’ve learned it’s one day at a time with my depression. Each day is a hill, and I got over yesterday. The weekend is hopefully just going to be relaxing.

Things That Make Me Happy

Things that make me happy

  1. Getting an a long e-mail
  2. Baking
  3. Cooking
  4. Good Sex with lots of foreplay
  5. Hours of unbothered writing
  6. Writing 10,000 words in a day
  7. Finishing (reading) a good book
  8. A story with a good twist
  9. Not being able to predict something
  10. Soda-pop
  11. Going out
  12. Helping others
  13. Making others happy
  14. Cats
  15. Cuddling with someone nice during a movie
  16. Kissing and making out
  17. Getting actual mail: letters and package
  18. Bubble bath
  19. Having energy
  20. A nice walk
  21. Lots of pillows and comfy bed
  22. Good night sleep
  23. Talking all night
  24. Going to the zoo
  25. Sailing
  26. Swimming
  27. Good Morning Greeting
  28. Spooning: I like the inner spoon
  29. Flirting
  30. A good tone male hairless chest
  31. A fit six pack ab
  32. Bright blue or blue-green eyes
  33. A nice smile
  34. Hair on the a guy’s head that I can run my hand through
  35. A night of card or board games with friends

The Small Things

 

1. A good cup of coffee
2. Candy
3. A Sweet text
4. Fried chicken
5. Soda-pop (pepsi)
6. New notebook
7. New colored pens
8. Clean clothes with tide
9. Clean sheets
10. First kiss
11. A good movie
12. A good book
13. Agood joke
14. Laughing
15. Not having to put groceries back at the register
16. Lilacs
17. Carnations
18. Writing a story
19. Finishing a writing project
20. Massage
21. Writing several blogs
22. A bubble bath
23. Going out
24. Ice cream
25. Cheesecake
26. Dark Forest Cake
27. Time to write
28. Music
29. Secretly dancing
30. Good night sleep
31. Energy
32. A good song
33. Friends
34. Family
35. Body Spray
36. a long drive
37. Coloring
38. drawing
39. Painting
40. Pie

Last 6 Months. . .

“Oh be aware the of Idles of March. . . (two days.)” <– I laugh at you.

 

The last six months have been crazy. . .

I know the weak would have not survived . . . .or at least locked themselves away for a lot less. . .

I have at least a dozen people that I have been there in my head that have kept me going in their own way. (Whether they were happy, worried or mad at me.)

I am very thankful for whatever they did. . . made me laugh, took me to a doctor, texted me, or just gave me a hug. . . even the smallest thing meant something to me.

I have no idea how I am going to return my appreciation to these people. . . they know who they are.

th

Okay. . . now to get to the drama. . .

It started in October-November when I just got overwhelmed. I got pushed with a baby, (not mine). . . it is an anxiety for me: I’m afraid of dropping an infant. I can handle a toddler a small for amount of time, until it starts crying and screaming, and then I want to go in a corner and cover my ears. It has to do with the fact that I was burnt out with kids at very early age. . . they pushed nursery, day care, early childhood education. . . I went to school to deal with kids, I came home to deal with kids, and I even dealt with kids at church. I had almost forgot what being an adult was like.

In November, I had nervous break down. I was told to find a therapist or lock myself away. I found a therapist and diagnosed with depression and anxiety. (The worst part is that my brain will not stop. . . I am constantly thinking about something. . . worrying, hoping, fearing etc. I feel trapped and suck in my own thoughts. I just want it stop for a while. )

I also felt I was being pushed away for Thanksgiving. . . I felt because I had my fit. . . like they watched what they did and said with me.

In December, I pissed off my father’s side of the family which is not what I meant to do, but I felt I NEEDED to help Tom. He had been through hell and back. . . I knew his last girlfriend wasn’t supportive, which was what I wanted out of Karma. (So be careful what you ask of Karma. . . it just might happen that way. It was not what I wanted. . . or at least didn’t feel as satisfying as I wanted it to be.)

However I was NOT looking to get back with Tom; in reality I just knew he needed help. To be honest, my heart was shattered and he had the hammer, so to speak. I called him dear out of habit; we had been together 8 years, and I am still working things out.

I would have communicated with my family if they didn’t make me feel like I just dealt with an AIDs victim and I was going to affect them. (I’m sorry I pissed them off, but they taught me if someone was in need to help them. I was supposed to help others. I had just wanted them to be proud at the fact that I was helping someone who needed it. . . I felt I was being the bigger person.)

I did a really good job. . . it wasn’t easy. I had to deal with cranky relatives, frustrated nurses, teams of doctors, and aides: everyone who wanted to do different things; I had to think to what was best for Tom. His medicine schedule was crazy: 6am, 9am, 1pm, 3pm, 6pm and 9pm . . . my birthday I was alone, Christmas and New Years I stayed in a hospital . . . that is the loneliness, most depressing place one could be during the holidays.

I felt horrible, because Tom asked me if he was going to get out of the hospital. . . I didn’t know what to really say . . . .so I told him to focus on one day at a time and use the main goal was get back home. I would have done more if I knew it would have never happened.

(What made me feel horrible was the bitter and threatening texts from people while I was nervously waiting during Tom’s unexpected surgery.)

In January, Tom was diagnosed with cancer that they believe started in the liver and had spread within days. He was off the vents, he was joking with his mother and I. . . then just two days later . . . he was just gone. Dealing with death has always been a roller-coaster for me. . . sometimes I am calm, cool while everyone else is sobbing, and then out of the blue I will hear a song or eat something and start crying because I think of him. (all I have to say is that eight years is a long time. He had just less than one-fourth of my life so far.)

January to now I have good friends who have supported me whether it be under their roof, or told a joke, or a hug. . . so I feel like I owe them so much. They have been there even with my depression and my anxiety. Now I feel like I am getting pass around. . . I have lost a piece of myself with Tom’s death. I also feel like an adventure, but my depression, anxiety, and worry still haunt my thoughts. . . (please calm down and let me sleep.)

happiness-is

Things that Happened in 2016

2016 was a very challenging year. I felt really stuck and trapped this year, so I really didn’t feel I accomplished that much. I mean I didn’t even finish a book: writing or reading. However I have learned a lot about myself.

My writing accomplishments link here. . . https://rebekahquinne.wordpress.com/2016/12/30/what-happened-in-2016/

Things I accomplished in 2016

  1. I am working more on a day schedule. Eh, I know, but maybe I can figure out where to get more writing and editing in.
  2. I have gone to the doctor myself.
  3. I have gone to therapy by myself.
  4. I feel I have more energy.

Things I have learned in 2016

  1. I loved flavored coffee. (Mocha, coconut, caramel vanilla, and Chocolate raspberry are my favorite.)
  2. My cat will look all over the house when I am gone.
  3. I miss my cat very much.
  4. Therapy really works as long as you are open and honest with the therapist and yourself.
  5. I like cats sometimes better than people.
  6. I would be a good vet assistant or care-giver.
  7. I have less anxiety when I am busy.
  8. I live and deal better when I am on my own.
  9. I can do chores better when I am by myself (at my own time and doing it my own way.)
  10. I’m sorry, but I am not a baby or kid person. (I rather have a fur-baby that purrs.)
  11. I have learned I hate to be controlled or told what to do. I do NOT deal with authority well.
  12. Distance is just a number when love is involved. (still makes me sad my “wolfie” is not here.)
  13. I secretly like to fold towels and peel potatoes.
  14. I do not like being treated like a 15 year old who needs a babysitter.
  15. Not driving really limits me. (But I am terrified of getting in an accident again.)

Politics part 1.

I don’t normally post political stuff. However this election I think is defiantly going to make the history book.

With the election in just 10 days away, it is the current talk and thoughts of most people.

 

Trump or Clinton?

I’m not telling you who to vote for. That is not my job . . . besides I am still looking at issues myself.

I will suggest looking up the issues so you know what they are talking about . . . and I don’t mean missing e-mails, lies, or who used what illegal people for building their buildings. I mean things like raising taxes, Social Security, health care, international affairs, military, education, and the issues go on. . . Issues that can change your life. . . .

They need to stop the mud slinging and tell the people their plan and how they are going to execute it!

First, I think, they show all of their political sponsors . . . wear it on their suits like racecar drivers. And if they don’t it show the sponsors, then that money goes toward the government debt. (Robin William had this idea first, I loved it when I heard it the first time.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bOE5ztEHFeY  )

Secondly, they should just tell us exactly what they are planning to do. (Do NOT lie or give me fake promises. I am not a naïve drunken girl on prom night.) Our forefathers told the people everything straight forward, and yet now we have all of this political jargon. People don’t want to vote because there is so much bull shit. . . just say it how it is.

Thirdly, I think the president should be on camera at all times. I think the idea of big brother should also have eyes on the politicians as well. They should play it live like a reality show. I think the leaders of our country should be open to about everything. I also think candidates should have that . . . keep it honest. You are leaders and people we are supposed to count on to run our country.

There is a website that breaks down the issues. There is even a quiz: so check it out, and see who you agree it with. http://2016election.procon.org/2016-election-quiz.php
http://www.procon.org/

November 8th:  go vote! You will be a part of history.

Confession 21: I’m An Adult who. . .

I am adult who doesn’t like babies or kids.

I’ve learned that I am not a baby person! Truth is I’m not even a kid person anymore. I’m afraid of hunting small babies. I freak out when someone wants me to hold them. I also cannot puke or spit up. I am horrified of dropping them and hurting their soft spot.  I was good with toddlers until they would run from me and split their head on the end table. (Happened to me twice)

I have health issues and due to my mental & emotional issues, I have zero patience for whinny, kids or crying babies!  In fact, I have anxiety & depression, do you really want that around your impressible young minds??

I used to be good with kids. I used to be able to get most kids to do whatever I wanted; with just my imagination and story time.  I could change a diaper with my eye closed. (I was tired enough that I may have.)
However my ex-stepmother pushed my younger brothers on me. (I love them, and I will go to hell and back for them, even now at 21 and 17.)  At 12, I was cooking, cleaning, laundry, taking care of brothers, and homework plus volleyball and basketball. I can’t remember when I slept.
Then in college I would take care of my 5 year old brother and my 1 year old brother between work and school. (Again I don’t remember seeping much!)
Then during church, I kept getting pushed into doing nursery duty for my ex-stepmother and then her friends’ shifts. I went to church once for three month and never saw a service.
I got burnt out of babies and kids! All of my 20’s I said I didn’t want kids. Then I tried to major in education in college to appease my dad. (He wanted me to have a stable job. I fell in love with music I move writing (opposite of stable right?)) That major last about two semesters before the college kept changing their classes and telling me the classes I took didn’t count. I have an Associates of Arts.

With my last ex (we were together 8 years) I had many times where my body thought it was pregnant. I even had believed I had a miscarriage, and I still have horrible nightmares over what I had passed in the bathroom. (I will keep you readers from the gross details.)

I had a doctor tell me I would be a high risk pregnancy because of my immune system and my hormonal imbalances. I am 90% sure I will never had a kid. And I am okay with that! I want fur-babies that meow and purr. If I had good money, I would have a cat sanctuary.

Between being burnt out and my health issues, now can others see where I do not want to be around babies and kids?

I like sleeping in. I like having ice cream for dinner or have dinner at 9pm. I like watching movies with adult scenes. I like to cuss, damn-it! I like sex with someone I am in a committed relationship with. I love uninterrupted time to write!

My problem is I currently live with family, and they just got a baby. (Sighs)