Dear Santa. . .

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My bday . . . Why bother?

My birthday is Wednesday and I know it sounds like a bad lifetime movie, but after the year I had, I wanted a boyfriend for my birthday. 

However I met a guy just before Halloween, and it was nice and exciting at first. . . 

 But then I realize he was not the same guy. . . It was like he split personality. . .  Fun Tigger, which as time went on I rarely saw and wanted to complaining Eeyore. I have my own issues of depression, anxiety, and pstd which I’ve been holding back because I been trying to help him, but whatever I say rarely matters, because once he stops complaining over one thing, he’ll easily find another. 

We agreed to just be friends. I have this feeling his next thing he’ll complain on is my birthday. He was the one who promised me to take me and such. . . I never asked for it

I’m just not looking forward to my birthday and it sucks. 

I mean a nice dinner but with a complaining Eeyore, SIGH. 

What I want right now…

  • I want a house (shared with family) with my own space. I don’t need my own per say, but just my own space that I can make my own.  
  1. Desk for my working computer with a comfy chair
  2. My own recliner with soft sheet set.
  3. Place for my writing
  4. Bigger kitchen to cook and bake
  5. I want a book shelf where I can store my books. Note: buy more books
  • I want at least two cats. I want them cuddly and trainable. Yes, I have trained my cats, to beg for treats, follow me, and ask for food.
  • I want a place close to city where mom or I can find at least a part time job. 
  • I want a place where I can paint. 
  • I want a bathroom with a large tub, I can soak in.  
  • Internet and cable throughout the house. 
  • Good heat and a/c
  • Friendly neighbors
  • More friends that really get me
  • I want my health and sleep to get better
  • Honest people (No catfish and canceled dates)

2017 death, men, meh. 

It has been a trying year.

 I think I’ve had more bad days and blah days than nice days. 

I’ve lost more people and been more rejected this year than all of my life. 

I’m not sure why or how I keep doing it. 

With the winter coming, I will need as much mental help as I can get. . .

I claim now 2018 . . . Better than 2017

Do I care too much?

Tom and I were together off and on for 8 years. No kids, no marriage. We has three cats at one point. I’ve had depression, anxiety for several years now.

We broke up in september 2015, but I still cared for him. I loved him and wanted him to be happy. We just were not on the same level when we broke up. He was into someone, and he wasn’t supporting me with my fear of doctors. He also didnt know how to handle my constant crying in bed and my lack of motivation due to depressed.

January 2016 I was put on iron, vitamins, and paxil for my health and mental issues. However I was having side effects with my meds.

In August of 2016, he got a successful  liver transplant.
He went through a lot of painful physical therapy.

November 2016, I had a mental break down, I kept thinking of ways to take myself out. It was very unlike me. I felt alone and unloved. I started therapy.

In December of 2016, his mom called me at least a dozen times asking me to help take care of him. My therapist thoughts it would be good that I help him just as friends. (My father’s side of the family blocked, and told me off because I hurt my stepmother. Who was busy with her own adoptive baby, she told us just a week before it was born. I had zero time to adjust. I’m not a baby person.)

I spent my birthday taking care of him. He got a stomach infection, and then a blood issue and I spent Christmas and New Year’s I’m the hospital with him. My stepmother was leaving bitter and mean messages while i was in the waiting room while tom was in surgery.

Tom died in January 2017 of a cute and aggressive cancer that had spread due to the surgery.

I had an online guy who helped me through it. However he blocked in June, still not sure why. (I had talked to him 13 months and then all of his accounts blocked from me.)

I’ve tried dating since June, and I’ve had 6 no shows, three one time dates, and dozens of meaningless chats. At the end of October I talked to a guy and we dated, but then after two dates he just wants to be friends. What am I doing wrong?

P.S.  since I’ve stopped my paxil, so has my very bitter and dark though. Now I’m just a lonely, empty sadness that is swallowing me whole

Will friends help? A job? Different meds? I need to see the doctors

Who I really am. 

  • ​I am a writer.

I know I have said this before, but I can make a seven course meal, clean the entire house, be on 4 hours of sleep, pay all of the bills, go shopping, and if I do not write something, I feel my day is unproductive. 

I know a good meal, nice, and a clean place, feels good, but without writing, I just do not feel accomplished anything at all. (Http://rebekahquinne.wordpress.com)

  • I am a foodie.

I love food. (Yes, I am a bigger lady, and I am watching my weight for health. However I will not deny a new or fun food experience. )

 I enjoy making food, cooking, baking, and going out. (When I got out, I usually try to order something, I usually I will not make at home.)

  • I am always learning.

I’m always researching for my writing. I’ve learned from life experience as well. 

I enjoy reading and finding out more about all kinds of things.

  • I am a bear. (Or a bulldog whatever is cuter.)

I am a very determined person. The loyal person. The type of person who would do whatever I had to.

 I may be sweet or cranky doing it, it depends on how people treat me. 

Being on best behavior 

When first dating, I was always told you in need to bring your best foot forward and be on your best behavior. 

  1. No burping on purpose. (Mouth closed and always say “Excuse me.”)
  2. I have to hold my farts. (It really hurts to hold it back. It makes the stomach upset. I try to get to the bathroom to release gas, but the whole damn thing is embarrassing.)
  3. No garlic or onion breath. (Always have gum or mints or candy )
  4. Don’t eat out of plate in yesterdays clothes with mismatched socks. (You know you have done it or a variation . Lol)
  5. Watch how much you cuss or yell at the tv with bad sports calls. (I was raised with brothers who enjoyed sports.
  6. Be polite (9 times out 10, I am polite) 
  7. No being moody or b*itchy (it is hard to hold back PMS if they are jerk.)
  8. Watch my weirdness and creativity (It can scare off “normal” people.) 
  9. Need to shave all of the right spots. (It feels nice, but is a lot of work.)
  10. Dress up. (I know that guys want me to dress up, but it is not me. Unless you have a extremely nice place to take me, then there is no point in me dressing up.)

I am not sure if there is a guy worth all of this energy. I mean most of my best behavior isn’t really me. 

I am honest and can be a rough on the edges, but I am best damn loyal girlfriend you’ll ever have

Chatting games

I try not to play the “hard to get” chatting games. 

I’m trying to be more open in the dating pool, but I know what I want and yet the doors are current closed. 

So I chat, but then guy gets aggressive even at my polite pushing away. 

  • “I’m not into your interests.
  • “I need to go to bed”
  • “We don’t live close, I’m seeking someone local. “
  • “I do not want just a chat, I want a real life relationship.”

 If I tell exactly how I see it, I sound like a b*tch

  • “I see us talking online, but then you will lie or be aggressive about something you really want and make me uncomfortable.” (Pusher)
  • “You’ll talk to me try to get pic and get off or I say no and you go on the the next easy chatter. You won’t chat again or if you do you ask for more pics.” (Pic weasel because the term I want to use is not nice)
  • “We chat for a few days, until either one say that is deal breaker ” (delayed dealbreaker I ask my deal breaking issues on chat 1.)
  • Chat, one date,  no call (fearful brats)

    I want a text, chat to continue after the first date, and then second and a third date etc. 

    If I don’t think we are going to be at least friends, then why are we even chatting? 

    What I want. . . In texting. . .

    I want my submissive boyfriend cuddly, obedient, and semi-clingy. 
    I want to hear from them several times throughout the day.
    I’m not a morning person BUT I love morning messages. . .
    Like. . .
    “I woke up this morning and thought of you. . .”
    “I had a wild dream of you. ”
    “Wish you were talking a shower with me ”

    OR day time messages. . .
    “Just got out of work. . . Thing of you.”
    “Wish you were here”
    “Hugs and/or kisses”

    I sleep better with night messages
    “Wish you were here to cuddle with me”
    “Wanted to wish you a good night”
    “Miss you honey”

    It’s obedience to keep constant with the texting, but I want them to mean it. (I’m not into guys  who don’t communicate.)

    I want a guy who thinks of me and excited to be with me. I know that guys can be interested in more that just naughty things because I’ve had a few who were interested in me for me. Time and distance pulled us apart. Sigh.

    Therapy updates

    I’ve learned some things. . . (from 7cups.com)

    1. I have to let go of things on a daily basis. It helps me sleep better. 
    2. I need more support than just another therapist once a month. They have other people who just listen. 
    3. I need to focus on what I want. . . NOT on  what I don’t want. 
    4. I need to take big goals into smaller goals, and daily goals. 

    I’m slowly doing better. I know I have a long road.