I need to stop thinking. . .

I need to stop thinking because the mixture of loneliness, desperation, and self doubt. . . I start to overthink and go against my first impression, and gut feeling. 

My gut is 95% correct. It always been on the money with what I truly need. 

However with my hormonal imbalance my heart and my head keeps twisting my thoughts. Then you add all this time I have in the mixture and my desperate thoughts are trying to sneak against my own boundaries. I put those there for a reason . . . Somethings make me uncomfortable.

My gut is telling me hold my ground.

But. . .

  • My hormones want to have fun. 
  • My broken heart wants comfort. 
  • My soul is hallow. 
  • My head is lonely. 

I just want a friend who gets me. 

Secret confession 

I’m learning I need to face my own feelings and emotions. I realize I need to do this to get back to myself and my happiness. 

My confession is the statements “I’m okay.” and “I’m fine.” Are my go to saying. It’s better than explaining emotions or complaining about my life’s issues.  

For example, when someone asks “how are you? ”  I say ” I’m okay.” Instead of “my insurance gave me an error and I couldn’t get my meds. This guy push me to give him my number, and I wish I hadn’t. I just wasted a year on a guy who catfished and lied to me. The guy I think I like is too busy for me, but I can’t stop thinking of him.. My ride for errands cancelled on me. This is all making me edging and my anxiety is high. However our towel smell amazing.”

If I said all of that I think I would overwhelm a new person. 

I’ve been on a new therapy site called http://www.7cups.com and they have chats with groups, listeners and therapists. They also have tests and exercises to help with my depression and anxiety. I have getting more benefits from that site than my 2 therapists in real life. 

If you chat with me and I say fine or ok, there usually (9 times out of 10) there is more. Don’t ask about it unless you really want to hear about it, please. 

Weekend plans

I plan to play my brother’s ff rpg. (It’s a dice and fantasy game). 

I also plan to cook, work on some blogs and short stories  (Not sure what genre yet). 

I’m also watching catfish, I’m obsessed with that show. I do a lot of chatting and online flirting, so I’m always cautious. 
I had a stressful day yesterday I had issues with insurance. I hope next week to get it worked out. Meanwhile I have to hold off on all my doctors and meds. I have some to hold me off, but it really freaked me out. 

I’ve had a few people (besides family) who really helped me out yesterday and I’m very thankful for that. I’ve learned it’s one day at a time with my depression. Each day is a hill, and I got over yesterday. The weekend is hopefully just going to be relaxing.

Things That Make Me Happy

Things that make me happy

  1. Getting an a long e-mail
  2. Baking
  3. Cooking
  4. Good Sex with lots of foreplay
  5. Hours of unbothered writing
  6. Writing 10,000 words in a day
  7. Finishing (reading) a good book
  8. A story with a good twist
  9. Not being able to predict something
  10. Soda-pop
  11. Going out
  12. Helping others
  13. Making others happy
  14. Cats
  15. Cuddling with someone nice during a movie
  16. Kissing and making out
  17. Getting actual mail: letters and package
  18. Bubble bath
  19. Having energy
  20. A nice walk
  21. Lots of pillows and comfy bed
  22. Good night sleep
  23. Talking all night
  24. Going to the zoo
  25. Sailing
  26. Swimming
  27. Good Morning Greeting
  28. Spooning: I like the inner spoon
  29. Flirting
  30. A good tone male hairless chest
  31. A fit six pack ab
  32. Bright blue or blue-green eyes
  33. A nice smile
  34. Hair on the a guy’s head that I can run my hand through
  35. A night of card or board games with friends

I’m just Tipsy

I hate talking when someone is drunk. . .
they get loud, frisky, and always seem to have argumentative ideas.
I either think they are always right or they have to save all of the world’s problems right there and then.
They also pull answers out of the thin air.
Why can’t just people drink quietly and go to bed?

 

On a bar note: 

I hate being drunk. . . I’m afraid I will get taken advantage of. . . I have to be in control.

Many of my friends think I am looser when I had a drink or two.

Just do not get me to pass to my emotional drunk, because then I am a wreck, bitchy, jealous, and no fun.

The Small Things

 

1. A good cup of coffee
2. Candy
3. A Sweet text
4. Fried chicken
5. Soda-pop (pepsi)
6. New notebook
7. New colored pens
8. Clean clothes with tide
9. Clean sheets
10. First kiss
11. A good movie
12. A good book
13. Agood joke
14. Laughing
15. Not having to put groceries back at the register
16. Lilacs
17. Carnations
18. Writing a story
19. Finishing a writing project
20. Massage
21. Writing several blogs
22. A bubble bath
23. Going out
24. Ice cream
25. Cheesecake
26. Dark Forest Cake
27. Time to write
28. Music
29. Secretly dancing
30. Good night sleep
31. Energy
32. A good song
33. Friends
34. Family
35. Body Spray
36. a long drive
37. Coloring
38. drawing
39. Painting
40. Pie

Last 6 Months. . .

“Oh be aware the of Idles of March. . . (two days.)” <– I laugh at you.

 

The last six months have been crazy. . .

I know the weak would have not survived . . . .or at least locked themselves away for a lot less. . .

I have at least a dozen people that I have been there in my head that have kept me going in their own way. (Whether they were happy, worried or mad at me.)

I am very thankful for whatever they did. . . made me laugh, took me to a doctor, texted me, or just gave me a hug. . . even the smallest thing meant something to me.

I have no idea how I am going to return my appreciation to these people. . . they know who they are.

th

Okay. . . now to get to the drama. . .

It started in October-November when I just got overwhelmed. I got pushed with a baby, (not mine). . . it is an anxiety for me: I’m afraid of dropping an infant. I can handle a toddler a small for amount of time, until it starts crying and screaming, and then I want to go in a corner and cover my ears. It has to do with the fact that I was burnt out with kids at very early age. . . they pushed nursery, day care, early childhood education. . . I went to school to deal with kids, I came home to deal with kids, and I even dealt with kids at church. I had almost forgot what being an adult was like.

In November, I had nervous break down. I was told to find a therapist or lock myself away. I found a therapist and diagnosed with depression and anxiety. (The worst part is that my brain will not stop. . . I am constantly thinking about something. . . worrying, hoping, fearing etc. I feel trapped and suck in my own thoughts. I just want it stop for a while. )

I also felt I was being pushed away for Thanksgiving. . . I felt because I had my fit. . . like they watched what they did and said with me.

In December, I pissed off my father’s side of the family which is not what I meant to do, but I felt I NEEDED to help Tom. He had been through hell and back. . . I knew his last girlfriend wasn’t supportive, which was what I wanted out of Karma. (So be careful what you ask of Karma. . . it just might happen that way. It was not what I wanted. . . or at least didn’t feel as satisfying as I wanted it to be.)

However I was NOT looking to get back with Tom; in reality I just knew he needed help. To be honest, my heart was shattered and he had the hammer, so to speak. I called him dear out of habit; we had been together 8 years, and I am still working things out.

I would have communicated with my family if they didn’t make me feel like I just dealt with an AIDs victim and I was going to affect them. (I’m sorry I pissed them off, but they taught me if someone was in need to help them. I was supposed to help others. I had just wanted them to be proud at the fact that I was helping someone who needed it. . . I felt I was being the bigger person.)

I did a really good job. . . it wasn’t easy. I had to deal with cranky relatives, frustrated nurses, teams of doctors, and aides: everyone who wanted to do different things; I had to think to what was best for Tom. His medicine schedule was crazy: 6am, 9am, 1pm, 3pm, 6pm and 9pm . . . my birthday I was alone, Christmas and New Years I stayed in a hospital . . . that is the loneliness, most depressing place one could be during the holidays.

I felt horrible, because Tom asked me if he was going to get out of the hospital. . . I didn’t know what to really say . . . .so I told him to focus on one day at a time and use the main goal was get back home. I would have done more if I knew it would have never happened.

(What made me feel horrible was the bitter and threatening texts from people while I was nervously waiting during Tom’s unexpected surgery.)

In January, Tom was diagnosed with cancer that they believe started in the liver and had spread within days. He was off the vents, he was joking with his mother and I. . . then just two days later . . . he was just gone. Dealing with death has always been a roller-coaster for me. . . sometimes I am calm, cool while everyone else is sobbing, and then out of the blue I will hear a song or eat something and start crying because I think of him. (all I have to say is that eight years is a long time. He had just less than one-fourth of my life so far.)

January to now I have good friends who have supported me whether it be under their roof, or told a joke, or a hug. . . so I feel like I owe them so much. They have been there even with my depression and my anxiety. Now I feel like I am getting pass around. . . I have lost a piece of myself with Tom’s death. I also feel like an adventure, but my depression, anxiety, and worry still haunt my thoughts. . . (please calm down and let me sleep.)

happiness-is

What I want for 2017

Personal Goals for 2017

  1. I want to walk more. (At least three walks a week or several rounds on the stairs.)
  2. I want to lose weight. (80 pounds. . . ultimate goal.)
  3. I want to be more active.
  4. I want to stretch more. (No charlie horses.)
  5. I want to learn some basic yoga and be more physically flexible.
  6. I want my tight clothes to be looser.
  7. I want to lower my diabetes numbers.
  8. I want to try more recipes.
  9. I want to control my binge eating. I want to eat smaller sizes.
  10. I want to eat better.
  11. I want to get into the habit of three meals a day.
  12. I want to paint more.
  13. I want to read more.
  14. I want to save a little money.
  15. I want to meet my “wolfie.” He knows who he is.
  16. I want to deal, maybe even cure my anxiety and depression.
  17. I want to mediate more and be able to always access my happy place.
  18. I want to finish some of the projects I have started.
  19. I want to start some new projects.
  20. I want to help my ex get stronger and heal.