Day 14: People in your life

Day 14: Is there someone in your life who makes you feel good about yourself? If so, who and why?

I’m trying to better myself

My family tries, but I have not found any one made me feel good about myself. I feel bad, because I either ignore (one side as i do not feel they can handle my emotional side) or snap at them.

When I get compliments on my writings, I feel good. it’s a few second ego boost and done. Sigh. (I’m very grateful for all positive compliment and encouragement for my writing.it means the world to me. I feel good to know I have people who reads.)

However I think I’m more antisocial than I have ever been.(It feels the few people that I trust, not related to me, are too busy with their own lives or have just taken men out of their lives because I guess I’m just too much.)

I feel like a failure between, my anger (people stupidity), my mood swing, and my health issues keep me from friendships and relationships. (It can also be that I was hurt so bad but someone I trusted, I’m afraid I’ll get hurt again.)

I have noticed that there have been people in my life for a spec or moment . . .they serve their purpose and disappear. I’m grateful for those moments, but I would like a friend or submissive boyfriend for a permanent selection of time.

I’ve also learned people are not here to make me happy. If they do that is just the (super light yummy whipped) icing on the cake. If not, I can eat my plain moist cake on my own.

Things that keep me up at night. . .

I posted a simple version of this on my therapy site 7 cups.

I’ve been to 2 therapists, one kept pushing a job, but I have energy issues.the second one kept saying most are my issues are hormonal.

My main thoughts in no particular order. . .

1. Are the different pieces of my family ok? My mom has her health issues. My dad side of he family still not talking to me. . . But I still think of them. My closest brother has health issues (but sometimes, I think he does better than me.). My one brother just got married and other just graduated with many options ahead for him. I have a very young sister, so young she could easily be my own daughter and yet, I haven’t gotten to bond with her. I rather play with the toddler than the infant. I have a sister-in-law who I wish I so could chat with more, but it all just turns into he-said, he-said drama.

2. When can we have our own space (My family and I?) (My mom, brother and uncle live in a very tight space, and it’s very crowded and not as fun as like the show “My Name is Earl.) I would just like my own desk, working computer, WiFi, and recliner to sleep in.

3. I can’t work, and a few doctors will write notes, but government facilities will not count it. (Stupid president killed that.) I can’t work, I can’t sleep right: I go to bed tired, I wake up tired. No one wants me to use those 5 hour vitamins shots, but it’s the only way I can function for errands.

4. I can’t lose weight due to hormones I’m taking and bad sleep issues. The body needs to be balanced and get right sleep in order to function correctly. I lose 5 pounds, but gain ten in water weight. I’m going to scream if I get more doctor thinking all of my health problems are based on me being overweight. I can’t work so I can’t buy decent groceries. Because of weight I feel I’m ugly and not worthy. . . My doctors or media do not help my self esteem.

5. I can go from sweet and caring to bitter and mean. I’m also losing the propper, politeness filter of saying things especially when I’m flustered. My family know I’m bruntly honest, and I try to watch for other’s feelings, but they call me the bear, because I can snap and growl for no reason. I’m afraid to date because it’s bad to snap for no reason in the middle of a date. I don’t know all of my triggers. I know it’s hormonal, and my doctors don’t seem to care.

6. My energy versus my “luck” versus my writing. I love to write, but my lights and computers keep breaking. . . I feel like fates are against me writing, why God/Goddess, why? Writing helps me release and express myself. I’m borrowing the third desk light from a neighbor. I have two computers: one broke in which wires are exposed, my other computer’s fan is broken and charger over heats. I’m using my mom tablet to write this because my tablet needs to be plugged in at all times and tries to run every program at once. (Even when I have them turned off, it’s like if my Wi-Fi is on, it tries to override my controls.)

7. Why can’t I have a cat? Cats help my anxiety, especially petting them when they purr. The current land lady doesn’t even want us feeding the old stray, friendly mama cat.

8. Where can I advertise my blogs? I feel I do not have enough readers and fans, but I feel Facebook pushes it too much.

https://rebekah1213.wordpress.com/

9. Why am in pain at least 5 days out of week? Headaches, pelvic pains, sinus pains, back pains, hip pain. . . Cramping when it’s not even my lady time. WTH? What is wrong with me? (I will let the doctors do their tests, but they can’t say it’s my weight.) I feel I get passed from doctor to doctor (as if they don’t want me) leaving me with more questions than any solutions. . .

10. I am so easily distracted. I can’t mediate or focus without someone or something pulling away my attention, especially during the day. So I try to write between the hours of 11pm to 3am, sometimes later, but I have to have a day schedule on at least Friday’s and any day I have a doctor appointment.

11. I’m lonely. I am not sure why all my so-called friends left me once my ex died. Were they only his friends, and I was just along for the ride? If it wasnt for me, they wouldn’t have hung out as much. I rather have a bunch of friends that hug me (and sometimes understands me,) than a random boyfriend who will just cheat on me when he realize with my health issues I cannot give him physical intimacy.

12. Can, I please win the Mega millions jackpot? I mean. . .May I please win the Mega millions jackpot? God/Goddess, you know 66% (2/3rds) will go to help others just like we agreed. I need a place to call home again, preferable our old land with a new house on it. You know if I had the choice right now. . . I would choose money over love. (I had love with Tom, and now it’s my time to work on me and help others. PLEASE. Today, I am buying a lottery ticket, may it have the six winning lottery numbers on it, again, please.).

13. I’m tired of the constant depressed and anxious feelings. . . That instant feeling of doom just around the corner. I hate how I am instantly sad like I want to cry but no reason why. . . Or I snap without warning. Who would want a friend who can bite your head off figuratively speaking?

There are more problems but these are the main issues that constantly boil in my head . . . It’s hard to sleep when my mind doesn’t stop. Maybe since I vented, I can sleep better. . . We’ll see.

Now you may go back to regular scheduled program. . . Lol.

Internet grrrrrr

Our internet has been shotty at best this week and it has fried my nerves. Grrrr.

Over the weekend we a few hours where internet worked but these last five days the internet cannot get through. . . grrr.

Do NOT advertise you have free WiFi if you don’t.

I am writing this August 7th into 8th.

I use WiFi for blogging, communication, research, and therapy. I need WiFi. This is driving me crazy.

Health updates

I went to the doctor. . .

• UTI, I knew that one.
• My stuff updated, bloodwork and meds.
• I lost 5 pounds within the year.
• I have an appointment with my female stuff doctor. Most of my main problems are with my female junk.
• My hands are just sore from overuse, nor carpal tunnel syndrome or arthritis. Yay.
• I do have sleep apnea and need more test.

However why am I more tired with my meds, then when I was off of them?

Ohio Weather. . . Eh.

I hate snow and my body hates cold. My joints are achy. My head is pounding and I’m so tired . . . My body cannot relax.

I miss walking. I miss warm breezes.

I wish I could live in a place that was mostly sunny. . . 70`s during the day and 50`s at night. However no snakes, bugs, spiders, or bees. (I know we need those for flowers to grow, but I am more of a city girl anyway, not a farm/country girl. I just want to be able to go outside for a long walk and worry about ice.)

The problem is that most people want that too so it would belong the rich for vacation escapes.

It honestly only exists in my dreams. . . Sighs.

Finding a Guy

After my semi vanilla relations, (Oct to Dec (2017)) . . . I’ve learned I cannot not go vanilla, but I do want to date and cuddle.

I want a positive, ambitious submissive boyfriend. (I do not want a mindless drone or a complainer.)

However I’m slowly learning that life or fate will never put you in the wrong spot. I learned I need to let life do it’s thing. I should not push because I feel desperately lonely.

I’ve learned life will put in me in the right place, at the right time, even if I’m confused in the present.

I just need to do my thing and Mr. Right will be there when I probably least expect it.

Meanwhile I should enjoy my life: good writing, good family, and good friends.

I just to realize I will find that genuine people that I’m into, but they are not into me. I’m not everyone’s favorite soda-pop or cup of tea.

I simply need to move on and focus and believe life knows what it is doing.

Why my hands?

I love to write. The feel of a good pen in my hands as it glides on the page. It invites the words, the color, the creativity.

However my hands have been swelling and cramping for weeks now. I tried water pills, but I sleep and they are swollen again. There are cramps as I write. Pushing down on my palm hurts, moving it too much hurts.

It hurts to hold a pen or a fork. It hurts to make a fist. These damn cramps. I probably have arthritis or carpal tunnel syndrome.

I refuse to give up my writing. I felt due my ear issue, I had give up music. I’m not giving up my writing too.

Maybe I can get my computer fixed soon . . . So I can type more.

I’m going to the doctor soon.

ZZZ’s

I do enjoy sleep when I have good dreams and the air is just right not too hot or too cold. The blanket is comfy and smells good. I wake up actually feeling refreshed.

This usually only happens maybe 1 time out every 50.

I usually wake up stiff, tired or exhausted (like I didn’t sleep at all). I’ve either hot, cold, in pain, with a headache. . . Or have to wake up due to my bladder or panic attack or choking with breathing problems.

Sometimes I can sleep for 12 hours and feel like I had not slept all. Sometimes I can run all day on four good hours of sleep, again, this is rare. My depression makes me want to sleep even more and not get out of bed.

I have sleep apnea where I do not get enough air in or out. I snore very loud, get dry mouth, grind my teeth, wake up with jaw pain, and headaches.

Apnea makes me wake up choking, my lips to be blue due to lack of oxygen, my head is foggy and it’s hard to focus, my eyes twitch, my eyes are heavy. I get migraines and my stomach don’t settle.

My animea makes me exhausted. I was so tired from the lack of blood cells that I have choked on my food several times.

Caffeine or lack of caffeine really screws me up. If I drink coffee or energy (no ginsing) at the wrong times and my day and night schedules are off.

My anxiety fills my head will ideas and I’m up with insomnia, but I am usually a zombie.

With all of these problems sleep is hard for me.

My current warnings

1. I can’t cry. I feel like a robot: emotional stuck.
2. I want to be happy too, but again I’m emotionally stuck.
3. Im hormonal. It’s due to endometriosis. My body does make enough of one hormone, so others are unbalanced.
4. I can freak out at anytime: I can go from nice to total bitch. It’s because my hormones are not balanced.
5. I can be in pain, usually in my pelvic area also due to endometriosis. This can make sex hurt for me.
6. I can startle easily. However I love a horror movie with unpredictable twists. They are hard to find in this days blah and remakes.
7. I can easily get stuck in a good book, computer/tablet, or notebook/writing.
8. I hate to clean, but I hate bugs and spiders more
9. I only like to clean alone with music blasting.
10. I am not an outdoor girl.
11. I am not a girly-girl. I do not owe a dress or make up. I will not wear high heels, in fact, I own one pair of shoes, and two slippers.
12. I dislike/hate authority. Advise/guide/suggest to me, but do not tell me what to do with attitude or I will turn into a bitch.
13. I’m not into drug, drinking, smoking, and not into those who are drunk or smoke.
14. I can talk myself to organize.
15. I am not a baby/kid person.
16. I prefer cats over dogs and kids.
17. I am not vanilla (sexually), and I cannot got back. (I have a seprate blog for that.)
18. I work better between 11pm and 6am for now. It may change as my sleep cycle never stays the same for long.
19. I prefer my weather semi sunny between 55 and 75 degrees.
20. I prefer Pepsi over Coke. I know the difference. I also know the difference between regular and diet.

My self-care basket

Things in My basket for a bad day

• Self care basket
• Chocolate brownies or cake
• Pretzels
• Pepsi
• Coffee with flavored creamers
• Dial shower gel (I love the feel and smell.)
• Notebooks
• Color pens
• A book with a good twist
• Pillows
• Movies: comedies and chick flicks
• My tablet with my personal play list (music)
• Headset