5 minute rant: saving my self

Why don’t people listen to me when I say they can’t handle me? 

I have depression and anxiety, and there are times I cannot deal with life. I need to go into my Sim games, my art, my walking, or most of my fictional writing.  It is a process for me to come back to me. I’m usually a very positive, perky person, but over the years, life has worn me down. 

I need positive people. I need someone who will encourage me, to keep my spirits up. 

I do not need someone who complains about everything in life. I do not need someone so toxic that even the sun shine is bitch. I met someone like this. .  . and tried to be friends. He never ask me about me, just complained about everything from work to his place to food. He even tried to joke about his complains, thinking he was being cute. A complaint is a complaint whether you whine, snap, bitch, or laugh about it.  I couldn’t take it, and said whatever. (That was my depression talking, but I realize I couldn’t help him, and he was pulling me down. He made me feel insecure of who I was, and I had to save myself.)

I did feel bad he had no friends, but now I know why. 

 

Then he said he was done, but I’m not going to fight back. I know is going to complain about me. I have my own problems. However I hope down the road, he find someone special and string who makes his complaints fade away. (Even though I’m hurt, I still hope he finds happiness. That is just who I am.)

What I Learned in 2017

1.  Life is short. ( My ex boyfriend/fiance died at age 36 from cancer within the first two weeks of January. Life is short so make the most of it.)
2. You can never have too many friends. (It seems like they are harder to make and keep as we get older?.)
3. Do not settle ( it does not bring happiness.)
4. Its OK to vent and let it go. Once you let it go stop, complaining. Complaining can turn toxic. (Just remember this as you complain, it can always be worst!)
5. Its OK to cry. (It helps the release. If you need to make excuse to cry, a chick flick and ice cream helps.)
6. There are still “good” people out there. (Sometimes you need to get a bad person to appreciate the good people in your life.)
7. People need to stop lying. (I am honest and I wanted to save feelings, but lying to someone is not worth it. Stop catfishing while you’re at it people. There are 7.6 million people in this world, I’m sure you’ll eventually find someone who likes you foir if you stop lying and complaining.)
8. Anxiety and depression meds can change your personality. It is not for the good. (The good news it is usually temporary and you can go back to normal when the pills work through your system. If this happens, communicate openly with your doctors and be specific.) 
9. Money is nice but is does buy happiness and does not make me feel secure. (my security blog Writing make me happy. Being with positive people makes me happy. Cooking and baking makes me happy.)
10. I need to stop comparing my past to my future. (New and different adventures are awaiting for me.) 

I hope 2018 is way better than 2017. I did learn a lot. 

What I Learned in 2017

1.  Life is short. ( My ex boyfriend/fiance died at age 36 from cancer within the first two weeks of January. Life is short so make the most of it.)
2. You can never have too many friends. (It seems like they are harder to make and keep as we get older?.)
3. Do not settle ( it does not bring happiness.)
4. Its OK to vent and let it go. Once you let it go stop, complaining. Complaining can turn toxic. (Just remember this as you complain, it can always be worst!)
5. Its OK to cry. (It helps the release. If you need to make excuse to cry, a chick flick and ice cream helps.)
6. There are still “good” people out there. (Sometimes you need to get a bad person to appreciate the good people in your life.)
7. People need to stop lying. (I am honest and I wanted to save feelings, but lying to someone is not worth it. Stop catfishing while you’re at it people. There are 7.6 million people in this world, I’m sure you’ll eventually find someone who likes you foir if you stop lying and complaining.)
8. Anxiety and depression meds can change your personality. It is not for the good. (The good news it is usually temporary and you can go back to normal when the pills work through your system. If this happens, communicate openly with your doctors and be specific.) 
9. Money is nice but is does buy happiness and does not make me feel secure. (my security blog Writing make me happy. Being with positive people makes me happy. Cooking and baking makes me happy.)
10. I need to stop comparing my past to my future. (New and different adventures are awaiting for me.) 

I hope 2018 is way better than 2017. I did learn a lot. 

2017 death, men, meh.

It has been a trying year.

 I think I’ve had more bad days and blah days than nice days. 

I’ve lost more people and been more rejected this year than all of my life. 

I’m not sure why or how I keep doing it. 

With the winter coming, I will need as much mental help as I can get. . .

I claim now 2018 . . . Better than 2017. 

Who I really am.

• ​I am a writer.

I know I have said this before, but I can make a seven course meal, clean the entire house, be on 4 hours of sleep, pay all of the bills, go shopping, and if I do not write something, I feel my day is unproductive. 

I know a good meal, nice, and a clean place, feels good, but without writing, I just do not feel accomplished anything at all. (Http://rebekahquinne.wordpress.com)

• I am a foodie.

I love food. (Yes, I am a bigger lady, and I am watching my weight for health. However I will not deny a new or fun food experience. )

 I enjoy making food, cooking, baking, and going out. (When I got out, I usually try to order something, I usually I will not make at home.)

• I am always learning.

I’m always researching for my writing. I’ve learned from life experience as well. 

I enjoy reading and finding out more about all kinds of things.

• I am a bear. (Or a bulldog whatever is cuter.)

I am a very determined person. The loyal person. The type of person who would do whatever I had to.

 I may be sweet or cranky doing it, it depends on how people treat me. 

Therapy: time and over thinking = worry

I’ve learned that when you make me wait, and I can’t sleep, then I think. That is a very bad idea.  Well, it’s great while I’m working on a book,  but not good when I am worried about what is going on in real life. 

It’s like the reason why a kid will check the bed or closet after watching a scary movie. It’s the same creative and yet over active and mentally dangerous imagination that gets sucked into regular thought and mixed with anxiety making careless worry. I am constantly worrying: over nothing and everything. 

I’m not sure how to stop it. Lately, my anxiety is extremely high over having too much time to think. My sleep schedule is completely off, so most of the time I’m too tired to write. (Even now I’m yawning.) Basic thoughts get twisted into unneeded and unwanted traumatic, dramatic nightmares that make me freak out over nothing that is really happening.  

For example, when someone stops talking to me for a few days. . . 

• I instantly think they are in accident stuck in the hospital or out with their girlfriend that they never told me about. 
• When the truth is they were working and doing errands. They gave some space because I was sick. (When I want to sleep give me 6 to 8 hours, not 48 to 72 hours.)

I’ve tried to release my worries, but I just want to find a way to calm my thoughts. Maybe a movie or color.  

Working on a therapy book. . .

Yesterday, I added a scene I hadn’t plan happening, gotta love my spontaneous muses. It was a scene to comfort my character  and inner self. 

I’ve learned it can feel pressured work to face it, but like a dragon in my way, I feel I must face it to moved on.

 I have learned the difference between infatuation and love. I’ve realize that  infatuation usually last week’s to a few months; it’s usually fun.  However love is  work. Like when you help your ex who shattered your heart when he cheated on you and stopped supporting you when you needed help. It has been a hard time when I had to face his death and realize all of the things he wanted to do. 

I’m beginning to hate emotions/feelings. 

 I have over 11,000 words in 9 days, but it’s overwhelming. 

Confession # 6

I love the feeling of being in love. . . the infatuation, but then again who doesn’t?

It makes me feel good, day dream, and it gives me more energy. There is nothing wrong with that. (However I am just sick of the cat-fishing, the people out there pretending to be someone there are not just to think they need to fit in.)
I am finally talking to someone that yes I am infatuated with, but he just feels real. My gut even feel like he is real. (If I am find out that he is a cat-fish too, I probably would lose trust in humanity. no pressure. However I never felt this comfortable over a person ever. . . not even my ex.)