I should be sleeping

I should be sleeping, BUT . . .

My mind will not stop

Things on my mind. . .

  • Who is right one for me?
  • Am I going to be alone forever?
  • Why do I keep having headaches?
  • My head knows I need to deal with my past, but my hormones say I’m lonely.
  • I just want to cuddle. 
  • Will I ever get better?
  • Will I ever be happy again?
  • Will I ever get a cat?
  • Will my family be ok? (Can I move on?)
  • Why am I still mad?
  • Why all I want to do is cry?
  • Why do I keep pushing nice people away?
  • Will my the blemishes on my face ever clear?
  • Will I lose weight or at least get fit for more energy?
  • Why does my body want to sleep up to 18 hours or not at all?
  • Why do I feel I kicked in the gut for doing something good?
  • Why do I feel like I get handled wrong or used?
  • Why do people use me?
  • Will I will  the lottery?

I’m Attracted To. . .

Im attracted to.  . .

  • Positivity
  • Hope
  • Intelligence 
  • Creativity
  • Man who can clean, but does not complain about
  • A man to cook with
  • Cuddlers
  • Like PDA
  • A cat lover
  • Loves coffee
  • Artist
  • Sports lover
  • Writers
  • Readers
  • Understanding and patient of my health issues
  • Supportive
  • Semi romantic 
  • Likes shopping
  • Anyone who can truly make me laugh
  • Someone who tries to get me (I’m complicated, but at least they try.)
  • Ambition 
  • Fit
  • Spiritual (At least in a street kindness meaning doing good for others.)

My coffee. Sigh. 

When I get stressed I easily get sick and/or drained. Over this last week I have been up and down.  Yesterday was hard on me. . . plans got cancelled. My medical insurance has issues now everything is pushed back and my anxiety is on high. My body fights between insomnia and bad sleep from sleep apnea. 

I crashed only to eat dinner at 9 last night. I was exhausted eating I was careful not to choke. However I went for a walk last night to get candy and coffee  (that would be my autobiography be called “Candy and Coffee.”) I walked home took like three sips of my coffee put in the fridge and thought about it all night even in my twisted dreams. 

My brother went to hand me it this morning, and it slipped and spilled all over the carpet . . .damn it. It just fits into the ahhhhh theme this week. Okay back to rotating water and Pepsi. 

Tomorrow is a new day and this are going to to get better.

Weekend plans

I plan to play my brother’s ff rpg. (It’s a dice and fantasy game). 

I also plan to cook, work on some blogs and short stories  (Not sure what genre yet). 

I’m also watching catfish, I’m obsessed with that show. I do a lot of chatting and online flirting, so I’m always cautious. 
I had a stressful day yesterday I had issues with insurance. I hope next week to get it worked out. Meanwhile I have to hold off on all my doctors and meds. I have some to hold me off, but it really freaked me out. 

I’ve had a few people (besides family) who really helped me out yesterday and I’m very thankful for that. I’ve learned it’s one day at a time with my depression. Each day is a hill, and I got over yesterday. The weekend is hopefully just going to be relaxing.

Meow, I miss you, Elmo

I know I have posted alot on cats, but growing up I’ve always loved and adored cats. I miss them purring in my ear, cuddling with me, sleeping with me, playing with them etc. 

I help raised and heal a cat and he slept with me for over a year. I hated leaving him (and my youngest bro.) I keep thinking about him and if he is ok. 

It just makes me sad that I had to leave him. I also have no cat at the moment. Sighs. 

My health: an invisible eh

If you saw me on the street, I look normal, maybe a little sluggish or tired.  

However  most don’t know what a struggle it is to get up. . .

Between my anemia (cause by endometriosis hyperplasia or hormonal female issues), my sleep apnea (Not enough oxygen when I sleep), anxiety (nightmares), and depression  (No motivation) . . .it’s a fight to get out of bed. Somedays I can barely keep my eyes open. 

It’s nice when I do get out, but even short trips make me exhausted. 

Writing stuff like these blogs can wipe me put.

I feel bad when I can barely make dinner or I have to watch mom do errands by herself, because I can barely make it out of bed. 

I have choked on my food before. 

Coffee work sometimes, not when my anemia is against me. 

I feel like I have mono all over again. Sigh.

I hate feeling this way.

End of July 

It’s the end of July,  I have finished with 31,461 word hand written words on my camp nanowrimo.  . . I got over 30k so I will get myself some more notebooks and pens at school time prices. Yay!

However I think this next month, I will work on my health issues. . . Like what is making me so damn tired?

I have learned writing therapy really drains you. I am going to work on some stuff I really enjoy. (Maybe it will be a little naughty. Hehe)

I’m going to sleep and see what august will bring me. 

Note of thanks 

I have to give some credit to mom, she has seen me at my best (Not since 2012) and at my worst. . . She has dealt with all of my mood swings and yet she is still pushing me to write even with her tablet while my computer collects dust. 

She wants me to get to my writing goal so I can treat myself with notebooks, pens (which she borrows) and cups. 

I’m sorry I feel like I have put her through hell, but she wants me to do good.