Urgh. Sighs… again.

I cannot get out of my blah phase. Yes this going to be just a phase, because no one should live like this. I’m sick of land lady not posting rules, but just making them up as she goes along. However she doesn’t care who she is hurting. If I could I would leave and take my family, I would.

I think if I lose internet to this heat, I will crazy.

I feel no one really gets me, sometimes I do not get myself.

I think I’ve been fighting a kidney infection too.

My sleep apnea, I have no energy.

I just want to feel better and have friends. Is that too much to ask?

June is my month. I am focusing on getting better.

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Its always vague

https://rebekah1213.wordpress.com/2015/03/22/sorry-it-has-to-be-vague/ (March 2015)

I posted this from my previous blog over two years ago. I’m reposting the questions just twisting them a bit.

A lot of stuff has happened for the last 16 months.

It was an emotional rollercoaster that I almost didn’t ride.

Do I regret the last few months? I haven’t done anything to regret.

Did I ever expect that to happen? No.

Am I glad that it did? No.

Do I wish there was more? I need more in my life.

Was it a game? No.

Was it real to me (is still real to me)? Yes (yes).

Do I want to know others feel the same? YES. I want someone who gets me.

What do I want? I want to move on, and heal

What do I want? To know what is wrong with me and heal

What do I want? A place with nice people and my own cats

What do I want? To be happy and not lonely anymore.

Am I heartbroken? Yes.

Am I depressed? Yes

Can I sleep? Not very well.

Can I eat? Not very well.

Am I lonely? Yes.

Do I just feel I lost a person who truly understood me? YES.

Do I feel lost without them? Yes.
I wonder if I will find someone who gets me like he did.

Please just let me move on.

Please let me find the right guy.

Please let my family get out of this situation.

The Grrrr weekend

Grrrrrr is my new moody, cranky language, because my family calls me the bear.

Anyway, this weekend was all Grrrrr.

Friday, I ate cheese and was in horrible stomach pain and I was stuck, I could not release myself, damn yummy cheese. I also had female cramps. Grrrr.

Saturday, my computer did not work. It was overheating, the screen kept turning off, and my word kept hoping lines. I would write on line 4 when my words would end up in middle of the sentence of line two. Grrrr!

Saturday my brothers PS3 was mocking me. It would play any game but my Sims 3: pets.

Sunday, our circuit/fuse kept popping, no idea what was causing the power surge. We had plugged nothing new. I put my computer and tablet away and it magically stopped. I think our neighbor had a smaller heater. Right once we found a semi funny movie. Grrrr.

All weekend my sleep schedule was completely off. I will be on four hours sleep seeing the doctor if I’m lucky.

And my autocorrect keeps saying my grrrrs are Gerry.

Oh well, today is a new week.

Tomorrow is a new month.

Even this blog has a new look.

I’m leaving the grrrs behind.

Why me?

I am flustered, lonely, and depressed. . . Most of my “friends” are online.

The few that aren’t can’t handle my depression or they are just too busy. Yeah, so busy pretending I don’t exist. It’s probably I’m a bitch, and I would ignore me if I could.

Then I get yelled at for doing nothing wrong, what the hell?

I’m just trying to help people and animals, and I get yelled at.

I’m insane for doing the same thing every week thinking something is different.

I’m so emotionally constipated that I can’t cry, I just snap and bitch. The last two therapists were worthless. One wanted me to brush my problems under the rug, and the other believed it was and still is hormonal.

I’m in constant pain physical and emotional and I just want a friend. Is it too much to ask?

Why would there be anyone out there for me? I’m not worthy of even a cat. . . How can I a get a friend or guy?

Fuck it! The world is cold and mean and has made me the lonely bitch that I am.

Distraction: I’m lonely

The more I’m writing about a couple, the lonelier I am.

I refuse to stop writing, but I need someone. I miss friends to talk to, to joke with, to just hang out.

All of my friends, (some took their kids), and disappeared since my ex died. I’m thinking I was just a friend simply by association, which sucks.

I miss kissing, making out and cuddling. . . Keeping it pg-13. I miss just being with someone who gets me.

Sometimes, I just wished I could have is a cuddly friend I can hang out with and confide in. . . Sighs.

HOWEVER I am very picky.

  • I want someone in person.
  • Someone understanding.
  • Someone positive and encouraging.
  • Someone patient.
  • Someone who can handle me.

Are they out there?

Updates

Well, I went to the doctors and my weight lost wasn’t enough.

He still wants me to stop my sugar and starches.

I’m flustered. I enjoy food. It was writing and food that got me out of my depression, not meds that made me feel like homicidal zombie.

Speaking of zombie, there was a weird, creepy guy that walked to my window. He walked like a zombie and all his words were slurred. I freaked out and screamed . . . I think he ran away.

But now he’s out there, it freaks me out.

I’ve been cooking, writing, and seeing doctors. That is my schedule. I’m almost into chapter three on my novel. It’s really moving along. Yay. * dances *

I feel really lonely late, but that it’s own blog.

Health updates

I went to the doctor. . .

  • UTI, I knew that one.
  • My stuff updated, bloodwork and meds.
  • I lost 5 pounds within the year.
  • I have an appointment with my female stuff doctor. Most of my main problems are with my female junk.
  • My hands are just sore from overuse, nor carpal tunnel syndrome or arthritis. Yay.
  • I do have sleep apnea and need more test.

However why am I more tired with my meds, then when I was off of them?