Depression strikes again.

I’m exhausted. Sleep only happens in single cycles of 3 hours maybe more, here and there.

I’ve had nightmares, panic attacks and depression fighting me all weekend. 

Nightmares of being abandoned and lost and confused.  (My chest is getting tight just thinking of it.)

Past coming back to literally haunt me, but migraines beating me instead. Past on hold. 

Chest heavy, breathing hard, panic catching in my throat. 

Stomach turns, food comes from helping hands, but doesn’t help.  

That is my weekend. I did manage to get to write pieces here and there. There is a light. 

There is this new guy. . .

Don’t you just love hearing. . . There is new guy?

I finally met a guy online who I connect with, didn’t cancel the date with some lame excuse, and he was very cute. 

However this has made my anxiety go to extremes. I’m afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing.  

It has taken me so many empty conversations and bad pictures with guys and girls to get here. It makes it even more valuable.

He is intelligent, creative, and wants a challenge. 

My damn anxiety keeps me questioning me . . . 

• Am I up to his expectations? 
• Am I at his level?  
• Is he interested me or just lonely ? 
• Does he just want fun?
• Is he for real?
• Am I really good enough for HIM?
• Am I dominant enough for HIM?

I need to just enjoy the time we have together, but these thoughts hang on the back of my head.

But there is this new guy. . .(excited and nervous)

Bitter

Why I do feel majority of the world is full of cheaters, heartless bastards, catfish, scammers, murders, and just mean people?

Why do they want to steal and hurt others do bad?

I’m not at a bad person. I try to share, and I was taught to give of myself. However lately I don’t have much to give, and feel like I am getting ridiculed for catch a scam artist in there damn scam. 

I am not going to take a guilt trip for finding a scam. 

Honesty is the best policy

Please be honest with me. . . 

If I am too fat for you, okay not everyone enjoys bbw. (I’m trying to get more fit, but I have I’ll move on. If you are worried about weight, it is easier to move too.)

If I am too harsh or not harsh enough, tell me.  (I am who I am, if I am too harsh for you, we will not fit.)

I know I am not a nurturer, or sympathetic.  (However I’m a very generous and caring person. I’m also empathetic at times, but that drains me.)

The thing I have learned from honesty is that it is easier to heal and move on. (Thing someone is spearing my feelings by lying is mean and a fool.)

Note: telling me these things, does NOT  mean I will change, but does mean we are probably not compatible and to move on.

There 7.6 billion people in the world, I’m NOT for everyone. Just be honest with me and yourself.

I’m just trying to find a honest person who communicates often and connects with me. Is that too much to ask?

How do I get over him?

I feel like the Gain laundry soap commercial.  . . “How do I get over her? She left month ago!”

It’s been 8 months (Tom’s, my ex, birthday month). I’ll be honest, he crushed me. However the shattered pieces of my heart still have memories and extreme emotion on them. (I need emotional cleansing. The thing was if he was still alive, I would have not gotten back with him. We are two different people.)

I feel bad he died young. (He would have been 37 on the 17th.) 

However all of these things we would have really enjoyed are popping up everywhere.

• He was a “Dark Tower” fan.
• True Blood writers made a new show Midnight, Texas. 
• WWE has a new tap wrestling game.

I know there is more. I can’t think right now. How am I supposed get over when I’m around all of the things he likes?

I should be sleeping

I should be sleeping, BUT . . .

My mind will not stop. 

Things on my mind. . .

• Who is right one for me?
• Am I going to be alone forever?
• Why do I keep having headaches?
• My head knows I need to deal with my past, but my hormones say I’m lonely.
• I just want to cuddle. 
• Will I ever get better?
• Will I ever be happy again?
• Will I ever get a cat?
• Will my family be ok? (Can I move on?)
• Why am I still mad?
• Why all I want to do is cry?
• Why do I keep pushing nice people away?
• Will my the blemishes on my face ever clear?
• Will I lose weight or at least get fit for more energy?
• Why does my body want to sleep up to 18 hours or not at all?
• Why do I feel I kicked in the gut for doing something good?
• Why do I feel like I get handled wrong or used?
• Why do people use me?
• Will I will  the lottery?

My coffee. Sigh.

When I get stressed I easily get sick and/or drained. Over this last week I have been up and down.  Yesterday was hard on me. . . plans got cancelled. My medical insurance has issues now everything is pushed back and my anxiety is on high. My body fights between insomnia and bad sleep from sleep apnea. 

I crashed only to eat dinner at 9 last night. I was exhausted eating I was careful not to choke. However I went for a walk last night to get candy and coffee  (that would be my autobiography be called “Candy and Coffee.”) I walked home took like three sips of my coffee put in the fridge and thought about it all night even in my twisted dreams. 

My brother went to hand me it this morning, and it slipped and spilled all over the carpet . . .damn it. It just fits into the ahhhhh theme this week. Okay back to rotating water and Pepsi. 

Tomorrow is a new day and this are going to to get better.

Shaking and blah

I’m shaking and feel a migraine coming. 

I wrote 2,766 words today. I’m not getting a migraine from my writing. 

My 33 year old brother is a drunk. My mom and uncle both gamble. 

(My vice is soda and candy, but as long as I take my diabetic meds, I can have soda as long as I keep my blood sugar under 150. I know people who have a resting blood sugar of 250 or more. Even today my own vice is not comforting me.)

However I cannot work due to my sleeping issues, depression, anxiety, and ptsd. I feel like everyone wants to throw me out on the curb. I try to help people and I’m beginning to think what the hell does it matter anymore? I feel like I’m covered I  blood and swimming in a shark pit while the fates are laughing and rooting for the sharks. 

I finally broken down today. . . I don’t know if that is a good thing or bad, but I finally cried since my ex funeral. I feel like a volcano, but at the very beginning. . . The damn pandora’s box is now open.